Monday, July 21, 2003
Too exausted to say much, mentally and physically. Last night was horrible. I went to bed about 3 and was up til nearly 5:30. Panic attack, big time. Haven't had one that full out in quite a while. Couldn't breathe, flashes, images, thoughts...horrible ideas and "what if"s. It's like having a nightmare while you're still awake, but none the less, you can't make it stop. Its worse because you remember so much about it. I couldnt make it stop, I was just so scared...It was awful. I cried though...not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing anymore...but it still felt very reserved and not nearly enough.
I'm still scared, frustrated at not being able to help or not knowing how to help or my help not working, confused...more confused now that I was then, actually. Mostly just scared though. Very very scared. I've been praying more than I have in quite a while...
I came up with a great idea for a poem today while I was in the shower...but I'm so tired I can't write it. The idea is how we carry umbrellas through our lives to keep out the rain, but some day acid rain burns through. Then you have to keep patching them...but it's never the same.
Went mini golfing today...I suck at it, but I wasn't the only one who openly cheated, so at least I blended in better than normal. They had a DDR machine at the place so I did 8 songs of that, and I passed all of them! For some reason I was really hyper then...so tired now though. Gonna stop writing for the night...doubt I'll be asleep any time soon though.
I'm still scared, frustrated at not being able to help or not knowing how to help or my help not working, confused...more confused now that I was then, actually. Mostly just scared though. Very very scared. I've been praying more than I have in quite a while...
I came up with a great idea for a poem today while I was in the shower...but I'm so tired I can't write it. The idea is how we carry umbrellas through our lives to keep out the rain, but some day acid rain burns through. Then you have to keep patching them...but it's never the same.
Went mini golfing today...I suck at it, but I wasn't the only one who openly cheated, so at least I blended in better than normal. They had a DDR machine at the place so I did 8 songs of that, and I passed all of them! For some reason I was really hyper then...so tired now though. Gonna stop writing for the night...doubt I'll be asleep any time soon though.
