Jens Blog :-)

Hi! I'm at Jill's house, her bday party sleepover, much fun! Anna just tried to update her blog and the site seriously screwed up the entry...haha, half the words were switched around, it's quite amusing!

Wow, I feel blog deprived...6 days! *falls over and dies* Trying to think of what's happened since then...

Mmm, mostly organizing my room lol. Went bowling with hopes of cheering Corey up on Sunday...Urm...Music rehersal tuesday and today; we've picked out the songs and ordering. My solo got cut because Jill doesn't know the guitar part yet, but I now get to sing on Good Ridance.

*cracks up* I must interrupt myself to say what was just said...Megan is on the phone with James and I asked them what we did on Monday and James started singing "Monday, Monday." I was like "NO TELL HIM TO STOP, THATS MR. LEE!" and a few seconds later Megan says into the phone "No, James, you didn't just get laid." Hahaha!

Ok, I found out from Megan that I went to the pool on Monday lol. Yesh, Jill, Matt, Sb, James, Dave, Marc, and I went swimming, weee! Some guy random guy came up to me and said "Hey, come do something off the diving board with me!" I'm like "erm...thats ok..." Haha, it was a little weird...then he asked Dave the same thing...and finnally he gave up. Sb and I think he looks familiar though; maybe he went to Dillard.

Matt's hopefully coming over tomorrow...it's been ages since we've had time alone together; I can't wait. I've been trying to clean my room before he came over, but it's not going to be done lol, and I have to have him over cause I have to give him his birthday present early...hehe, I guess I'd better hurry up and wrap it...

It's 2:39 and Megan is still on the phone w/James...lol. Oh, yes, one thing I left out! WE'VE BEEN LISTENING TO BSB! Hahaha, yaaaay! We switched to Ricky Martin at James' request though. Anna and I dled a bunch of stuff after Jill fell asleep...and we can't get the speaker to turn on! *falls over* She's awake now but crabby from sleepyness so I'll ask in the morning...lol.

Gonna post this now...byebye!

Hi again! That thing from the last entry is hopefully over now...I've been told it is. At least the really really most horrible part, the other bad stuff remains.

I went to Mahitha's house Thursday night for a sleepover. It was sooooo nice to spend some time with her again! We watched Blue Lagoon and Return to the Blue Lagoon since we once saw part of the first one on TV together. The last time she was over here, things were a little ackward because we kept running out of things to say. This time we didn't shut up though! Yay!

Then, Friday I went to Katie's for her birthday. We went bowling first. I swear not having pressure from everyone makes an incredible difference in that. It was just Katie, Megan, Jo, and me, so we were really relazed and had a generally easy going attitude about the game. I didn't care nearly as much about how well I did...therefore I broke 100 for the first time in ages. Haha, even if Jill's sprit was with us to make the 1 pin always stay up....I love you anyway Jill! Then we went swimming, much fun! And then movie time late that night: Anastasia and something AE that I'd never heard of...which I fell asleep during at about 3:30AM.

Today was park day! Interesting discussions...Some of which were funny, others I would have rather just walked away from to avoid having to listen. So some things were a little hard to think about. But I got to see Corey and Jill again! Weeee!

A few other things on my mind...not sure what to do about them yet. Lots of thoughts about them though...

Babysitting time in a few min...bye!

*big erp* Wow I just found out something that took me COMPLETELY by surprise. Scared, not sure what to do...and have no options but to pray and hope for the best...this is a big one.

Well at least now I think one thing I thought before is false...thank God I had wrong information on that one...

Not going to sleep well tonight.

*gasps* I went a whole day without blogging!

Yesterday afternoon was soooo much fun! Rachel had a gathering of some people at the pool...I guess you could say I've finnaly found the group activity where I feel like I fit in. I liked it because there was no competition; we were there only to hang out and have fun, but had a cool place to go for it. Everyone seemed so happy-go-lucky...I had really missed that feeling. That was seriously the best I'd felt in months...absolutely wonderful afternoon.

The night wasn't so fun, or at least not the first few hours of it...had to drop the happy-go-luckyness and deal with life again...Oh well. The rest of the night had much amusement though haha! Somehow Matt and I got on perverted subjects...and then Rachel...and eventually Matt, Rachel, Dillon, and I had basically and all out sex/adolecence chat...hahaha, it was hillarious. The black hole vagina! *falls over* The chat lasted until almost 3:45AM! I have it saved for whenever I need a good laugh. :-)

I went to the mall today to get katie's birthday present and ended up running into Rachel, Aliana, and Scotty! What coincidences we have...And I think I saw someone from my middle school but I wasn't sure so I didn't say anything to him for fear of looking like an idiot. Then I went to James' birthday party; much DDR fun! JAMES YOU HAVE THE MOST AWESOME CEILING EVER! It's covered with the shiny side of a ton of CDs!

The rest of the week should be quite busy. I'm sleeping over at Mahitha's tomorrow night, then Katie's the next night (friday). And I'm attempting to plan a gathering at the park Saturday afternoon mostly because it'll be the only time I have to see Corey before he leaves again. Then I'm babysitting Saturday evening, and again on Sunday afternoon. Whew! So if I dont get a chance to blog for a while, thats why.

Ok, that's about all for now...byeee!

Talked to James for a while last night...couldn't say much but I guess every little bit helps.

Really really tired, sorry if this is incomplete sentences and such...

Lots of people have been asking me about this blog...sorry for scaring you guys, but I think it's helping me to write it down.

Last night I litterally just walked around my room for over an hour. Just standing there, occasionally leaning against the wall or moving around. This was a little after 3 AM. Fell asleep around 4:30. Slept til 12 when mom forced me up. Then I spent the day cleaning my playroom, which is oddly enough feeling really good to do. I like getting something accomplished where I can actually tell a difference. I'm still not done though, got a ways to go.

Going to the pool tomorrow, much fun! So I'm going to get off and clean some more while I watch some TV so that I'll be able to force myself to bed at 2:30. Gnight!

Too exausted to say much, mentally and physically. Last night was horrible. I went to bed about 3 and was up til nearly 5:30. Panic attack, big time. Haven't had one that full out in quite a while. Couldn't breathe, flashes, images, thoughts...horrible ideas and "what if"s. It's like having a nightmare while you're still awake, but none the less, you can't make it stop. Its worse because you remember so much about it. I couldnt make it stop, I was just so scared...It was awful. I cried though...not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing anymore...but it still felt very reserved and not nearly enough.

I'm still scared, frustrated at not being able to help or not knowing how to help or my help not working, confused...more confused now that I was then, actually. Mostly just scared though. Very very scared. I've been praying more than I have in quite a while...

I came up with a great idea for a poem today while I was in the shower...but I'm so tired I can't write it. The idea is how we carry umbrellas through our lives to keep out the rain, but some day acid rain burns through. Then you have to keep patching them...but it's never the same.

Went mini golfing today...I suck at it, but I wasn't the only one who openly cheated, so at least I blended in better than normal. They had a DDR machine at the place so I did 8 songs of that, and I passed all of them! For some reason I was really hyper then...so tired now though. Gonna stop writing for the night...doubt I'll be asleep any time soon though.

Last night was hard...the closest to a panic attack I've had in quite a while. Maybe it even was one, but it wasn't like the ones I used to have all the time that (thank God) don't happen very often anymore. It was mostly me sitting there just whimpering with fear, a little bit of flash back type things, but not like normal. Oh, yeah, I found out some really bad stuff last night after I blogged last...which I can't say...which are really scary. I have no way of helping the situation at all, except for to try to prevent it from happening to others, so that's what I'm focusing on.

Today, though, was ok for the most part. I got to see Pirates of the Carribean with some friends from Athens that I don't see very often-I hadn't seen one of them in almost a year! So that was fun...aside from the fact that I later found out that one of them is very angry with annother of them, and not without just cause...rawr. Then I came home and was in a pretty good mood for a while...and then things went back to the way they tend to go. I spent a while trying to convince someone of something that I don't even know if it's right, but if they didn't I think it'd be even worse. I'm afraid its going to hurt one person and therefore hurt the other...but that's the only way I can see to make either of them better in the end. I hope it turns out that way, anyway...

It's late...can't think straight enough to type out my thoughts; I'll add more tomorrow if I need to. G'night.

Wow...emotional day at the roller rink. I can't say much of what happend...but by the time Mmmbop came on, I was ready to escape, and that was a ticket away. Rachel and I were pretty much the only ones out there for that song, with the exception of some little kids (bah, you people and your thoughts on music revolve around general ideas of the community; no one complained until Rachel and I said it was Hanson! Take a listen for once, forget all you've heard about their "gayness," and just listen to the music, realizing that not only do they sing it, play the instruments in it, but they actually wrote all of it too; lyrics and background.), so we just sang our hearts out. Unfortunately, by the time we got back to where the others were sitting...much emotion. I spent much of that time fighting tears-though I don't know if they would've fallen if I had given in anyway. Luckily Ross, Dillon, Chris, and Rachel were there to add some comedy-including breakdancing! I needed a distraction and they gave me one...thanks guys.

I can't believe I was upset about something that I've done to most people this whole year...I have no right at all to do that; it's rediculous. Rawr, I'm starting to resent the fact that I made this blog for others to be able to read too, because I'm afraid that'll be taken the wrong way....if you're reading this, I don't mean about not being filled in about what's going on; that part's fine.

After a while I got a hug from Matt, which was comforting, except for the fact that one of the workers came and told us we couldn't do that. *Sticks tounge out at worker*

I talked to Ross for a while, later, online. That helped me sort out my thoughts a little bit, and he's a good listener. I think I just needed to say some things outloud-well, type them to someone anyway-and not have someone tell me I'm wrong. It doesn't always have to be a situation where someone gives you advice...in this case, just being there to listen was enough. Thanks Ross.

Not sure what to do from here now...but at least I can put myself in other peoples positions; I understand some things now...I don't like them, but I've been in the same position or known people in the positions...so...yeah. We'll see. Bye.

Hello again! *falls asleep* Very tired...but want to write for some reason. I even came up with a rough plot line for a story I started months ago and only got like four paragraphs of before giving up. I haven't written any more on it yet though. Tonight was full of RPGs-first one that has been continued by some people since Christmas break(!!!!!!!) and now a completely random one where a beer truck falls out of the sky with two people in it, me as a bird...haha, much fun. Haha, and now Anna (Deanna) and I are struggling to make the cars in the role play pink instead of black...Matt, Zach, and Jillian dissagree of course.

One big thing...one tear. Just one, last night...Improvement? I hope so. Not quite sure why I stopped-it certaintly startled me, so perhaps it just shocked me into stopping...Or is that all I can do now? Did I stop myself? After a few minutes I felt like crying again, but I wouldn't. I don't know if I could have, but I....I dunno. I guess I was a little scared to let myself continue. I don't know why it happened last night exactly though. I was reading a really sad book at the time, but it didn't feel like it was just from that. It's like...am I getting better and more able to let things out? Or was yesterday just so horrible that the buildup was stronger than the inability to let it out?

We're going roller skating tomorrow. At least thats easier than ice skating lol. I'll have to get out in the middle tomorrow to make it up to Matt; I know he was quite annoyed that I wouldn't at the Ice House. Oh well, I skated for a while in the middle with Megan and Jo to hang on to the last time we went roller skating, and even a little on my own...should be able to do it again...I guess I'd better anyway.

Strange mood today...not sure quite how to describe it because I'm not really sure how I feel.

Last night we had a gathering at Matt's house and set fireworks off-or rather, Megan, Anna, and I watched as the others set fireworks off. Megan hates loud noises and Anna and I don't like fire. It was fun to watch from a distance though-except the times when I was more than a little freaked to watch my friends jump right over a firework in mid show and watch sparks fly up their shorts...*rolls eyes*

We went ice skating today. I, of course, stayed near the wall, nice and comfortable with my easy going pace. The others wanted me to come out and zoom around with them...but oh well. Matt got Ross to take me out there one time-he picked me up, set me down in the middle and flew around while holding me around the waist. I just stood there and couldn't even move my feet if I tried, so I was therefore zoomed around with him. After a lap around the rink I was taken back, shaking a little, to my wall :-) As I told the others, "the wall is my friend."

God, I'm such a fraidy cat. It really sucks; it's a stupid reason to get into arguments but somehow it happens anyway. I understand they didn't want to make me be on my own the whole time-but I'd rather be on my own and comfortable with what I'm doing than in a group and scared and not having any fun because of it.

"Just try." That's what I've been told. Does anyone have the sense to think that maybe I HAVE tried? Some peoples attitudes are just like mine, they just don't see it...there's plenty of things they refuse to do, either refusing to try or trying once and not liking it. I respect their descisions...or else I'd have had several of them out horseback riding by now, for one thing. I just wish sometimes people would understand my position too, or if nothing else give me the benifit of the doubt on it.

Still searching for a group activity I'm decent enough to blend in with the others at, and that everyone's willing to do...nothing so far.

I get to babysit two of my favorite kids tonight for the last time. They're moving tomorrow. They're coming over to my house because all of their stuff is packed and on its way to Virginia. This is going to be a tough goodbye.

One fear came true...others still hang in the air...and yet annother that I thought had at least faded was brought back to life. The one that has tormented me the most this year...and I'm still blamed for it. Why can't it just go away? I try to make things better the only way I know how...I've always been told if you try your hardest and you do what you think is right, no one can blame you. Well, they're wrong, because apparently I'm still at fault. So yes, annother frustrating day.

We went roller skating-Megan, Jo, Jill, and I. It was fun even though I stayed near the wall most of the time, despite their protests. Jo and Megan finally got me out in the center, though I was about to kill Jo when she started going fast while I was hanging on to her. Haha, oh well.

I need to find something I'm actually good at that we can do as a group-I hate always being the worst one at everything. I don't care if I'm the best...I'm just sick of being the girl who isn't good at anything; I'd rather blend in with the others.

Bwahaha, I fixed the clock. The things I decide to figure out when I don't want to think about things...*shakes head*

Ok, now more than frustrated. Scared. So scared, so worried...

I just had to talk myself out of doing something that I swore I'd never ever do again, swore both to myself and a to friend who didn't even know I had. I'm so scared that I came that close to it again...terrified...and I'm still pushing thoughts of it away but they continue to haunt me. What's wrong with me? I thought I was ok...and sometimes I still am...but apparently I'm not quite so good as I thought. This takes entirely too long to end. I thought a break would fix things...instead it slaps them back into my face. What am I supposed to do?

I miss things from before...all I need right now is a nice long cry...and I can't have it. It's not fair. Nor are most things that happen in the world. I can't believe what people are given to deal with...especially so young. And no, I'm not talking about me anymore. Whatever happened to our happiest moments being in our childhood? If this is good...I don't want to see adulthood, for myself or anyone else.

I don't know what to do...I'm supposed to help other people, but how can I when whenever I try I make things worse or make myself miserable in the process? Why does this keep happening?

Anyone care if I just scream for a moment? No? Okay, good. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Grr, ok that did basically nothing.

This is frustrating; I can't write down why I'm frustrated.

I come home from vacation-and SWOOSH, things start up again. Not that they exactly died down then either...but it seems like a lot just came out at once. So now I'm rather worried about some things, forgive me for sounding insane today...I don't mean to complain; I'd rather know what's going on than not know. But I'm quite concerned about things at the moment...

Ok, no more of that; pointless to ramble about things I can't even explain. *Takes a deep breath and begins normal entry*

Today we drove home from Flordia. Long drive, but I was so glad to just be home! I'm hopefully getting to see some friends tomorrow at the pool. A lot of them can't come though, so not sure how that's going too turn out. Plus that means missing music rehersal when we have a performance in about a month, but I guess since it's summer we can practice other days than Sunday sometimes. We'll see. I need to practice a good bit on my own anyway.

I miss Matt. I swear if I can just see him and get a big hug, some of this pain and frustration will calm down. I hope so anyway...and he comes home soon.

Nothing left to say I guess...bye! Oh wait, I'm checking the clock here too...its 12:09 by my computer now and I started this a little before midnight...so we'll see if its right or not. Bye!

I am just making a point that this sites clock is way off. That last entry was sent at 1:54 NC time, 12:54 here. And I started it at like 1:40 NC time due to the computer hating me...so yeah, just wanted to say that.

AHHHH I JUST WROTE A LONG ENTRY AND THE COMPUTER HATES ME! AHHHHHH! Ok I'm going to try to write what I wrote a few minutes ago....

I'm very happy today, considering everything that happened...a few arguments, some not-so-fun things, not to mention missing everyone back home...yet I'm in a great mood. I think it's beacause I'm coming back home tomorrow. As much as I dread the looooong drive, I can't wait to get back. Some of my friends will be gone, but at least Matt's coming home earlier than I thought. I guess I'm trying to keep up with too many people's vacation scheduals; I keep mixing up what days people leave and come home.

I think I'm going crazy. I'm used to being a total slob, but for the past few weeks I've had to have everything nice and neat. Of course, that doesn't mix well with my natural lazyness, so the only organized things so far are my bathroom and my desktop. My desktop is massivly organized though: there's a folder for each person that I have an IM saved with, arranged alphabetically. The, inside those folders, the conversations are arranged in order by date. I'm so odd. Anyway, point here is that during my vacation I have come up with plans of how to organize my room and playroom. Like I said, I'm going crazy.

I'm proud of myself at the moment. I actually have a tan! Well, sortof. For me, it's a tan. For a normal person, I'm still pretty pale. Oh well, you can tell a difference where my watch was; there's a nice white strip across my wrist. Also, I was hungry and instead of the yummy chocolate chip cookies sitting infront of me, I ate a Special K cereal bar! Go me!

I was talking to Corey last night, and he's decided to try being a vegitarian for 3 months, starting at the begining of the school year. I can't help but think he's a little crazy, but I've got to admit I can't wait to satisfy my curriosity and see how it turns out for him. Good luck Corey!

I'm still in a song writing mood, but I have far too many songs stuck in my head to work on writing one. Today I've alternated between "Complicated" (Thanks to the fact that Rachel and I spent most of the 4th of July singing "A Complicated Song,"-Weird Al, download it if you haven't!-I've had that stuck in my head all week lol), "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" (don't ask me, I haven't heard it in years but I started singing it in the shower tonight) and "I Want it that Way". Yes, the BSB song (Backstreet Boys, for you clueless people). It was playing at the diner where we had dinner and I discovered that I still know every word to that song, so of course I had to come home and tell Anna about it! Haha, we even had a "BSB CHAT" as it was titled. Jill and Zach refused to come in for a while, but we got them eventually. SB came up with a good idea though. BSB=Be SB! haha!

OK that's all I had when I wrote before. I like the way I phrased it earlier better, but you know what? Its almost 2AM NC time so I'm deciding not to care. Yes, time for some tv and then bed. G'night!

My first entry for a blog ever! Weeee!

OK, well I'm in Flordia at the moment but really wishing I was home with everyone else. I miss everyone soooooo much! I haven't seen Matt or Corey in almost two weeks. I won't see Matt for almost annother week, and Corey for over 3 more. *dies* Oh well, it got me into a writing mood last night and I've gotten the begginings of possibly the first song I'll be willing to share in several years. It's just got the first two stanzas (one verse) and a chorus at the moment, so we'll see.

I've been having a strage week...but I think it's a good one; I had a lot of time to reflect on things. I'm finnally getting to a point where I feel a bit more like myself, the old me. I'm still "off" quite a lot ...but I like the fact that I'm making progress. I can talk about things more easily and I feel like maybe soon I'll actually get back to being able to help some people again instead of just trying to distract them and making myself miserable in the process. Who knows, maybe all the crap this year was worth it. It sure made me grow up a lot, and realize so much about who I am and what I want to do with my life. There's some things from the past that I miss a lot...but I hope they'll come back with time. For now I've pretty much decided to take things as they come and to learn from the past. Maybe the longer I do this, the easier it'll get...or at least I'll know better than to expect such, if that's how it turns out.

Anyway...tomorrow's my last day here, and I'm going to spend it out in the sun. I NEED a tan deperately...I'm only the slightest bit darker than my ghostly self after nearly a week here. Haha, yes...although I've spent most of the time hanging out with a 10 year old. I've learned-er, listened to-so much about video game plots this week...haha. Well he likes to hear about Harry Potter and The Ring, even though he's kinda scared of it. He made up this story about an island with all these scary people on it, one of them being Samara. In the story, Samara is dating Freddy Kruger. I found that hillarious.

OK, well, enough for now I suppose. I'm hoping I'll actually write in this blog reguarly, so maybe they'll be some new entries soon. :-)