Jens Blog :-)

You know what's weird? Today was the closest I've come crying in school -multiple times actually- than I have in a long time...yet it was a really good day for the most part. A mix of guilt and relief just kind of threatened to spill over a few times. But I still feel a lot better than I did, especially after talking to someone-even if it did make me late for class O:-) but Mr. Koechling doesn't care so it didn't matter.

I got out of playing in band today because my arm/shoulder was driving me insane...even after taking Midol, because it was the only form of pain killer I had with me lol (hey, it works on headaches, and it's IBprophen, why not?!). I haven't been able to raise it since yesterday evening because I strained it-it's been messed up for a while, but I made it worse-by lifting something too heavy, and now just raising my arm up takes so much effort it almost shakes. So yeah...I told Mr. Rowe I was going to end up dropping my clarinet, so he decided to let me copy and hand out music instead. That didn't take too long so I actually did an entire rough draft of my paper for English, which made me very happy with myself ^^ because I thought it'd take a long time. So now I have the weekend to type that up and hopefully finish my World Civ project so I don't have to do it next weekend because it'll be busy-football game on Friday (last home game! haha...not that I care for the football part...but I'll go watch the mb and orcs), Saturday is Cary Band Day (Which I plan to drag some people to hehe...Megan already said she'd like to go...anyone else?), and then Crop Walk on Sunday afternoon. Whew! Busy but much fun.

As for this weekend...I'm going to the fair w/some friends tonight :-D...no idea about tomorrow or Sunday since we don't have youth...so plenty of time for the project *makes face* Oh well. Weeee fair should be fun though! I haven't been since sixth grade...and I've been either once or twice before then. So I'm definitly looking forward to it!

I'm bored because no one's talking to me...and I'm pretty much out of things to say...So I'm going to go switch computers and type up this English paper and make sure it fits the length requirement. Bye!

Back to continue that last entry! Weeee!

Ok, well I get to start on the best part of the weekend ^^ SUNDAY. Corey came over in the afternoon and we rented "Darkness Falls"-aka "the scary toothfairy movie!" Haha...It was amusing in the sort of scary kind of way...good for cuddling O:-) So we watched that until about 4:45 and left for youth at 5:45...and I'm stealing this from Corey's blog hehe: "***NO YOU DID NOT NOTICE AN HOUR GAP INBETWEEN 4:45 AND 5:45***" *giggles innocently* So we had a great afternoon...even though the youth people put us in separate groups after we'd gotten so lucky at first to be in the same one...but still. Very very wonderful day :-)

Haha, at youth they passed out coke bottles and this one guy in my group took his and hit it on the table so that the cap came off and the coke didn't spill or anything...so everyone started passing their cokes to him to open, and the leader was like "no!" because apparently the whole point of the coke bottles was to be an analogy of how it's hard to open them without a bottle opener, just like it's hard to do things without God's help. We were talking about it in the car...and Rache's dad was like "well how do YOU know he didn't have God's help opening them?" lol.

I'm having a mental block on what happened Monday...lol...oh well...and Tuesday was annother good day because I got to spend most of it with Corey. We had PSATS first and second period...which were okay even though I (as always) died on the vocabulary parts...and then during 4th period we had focus to get reportcards and Corey and I have focus together too...and then band! Wee!

Today...not much really happened except I was really really tired lol. So the day was a bit blurry, but that's ok...and I'm pretty much out of things to say so I'm going to post this now!

Oh one last thing...I think I'm going to teach...since I've given up on psychology. I'd love to be one of the AG teachers we had in Elementary school, but there's probably not very many positions, so I'm thinking English for late elementary/middle school (since my vocabulary isn't advanced enough to teach high school haha).

My blog needs a new entry because that last one was too sad. So I'm going to talk about other stuff now that's completely unrelated even though I'm still thinking about what I was before too.

Ok! This weekend...hmm...well Friday night some people came over here...and we got to help Anna pick out her new haircut! (WHICH I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN AAAAAH!) Corey had strep so he couldn't come though :-( and Jill, Sb, and Matt went to the football game instead. We watched Treasure Planet, which was amusing...strange little creatures lol...and that spider thing was freakish! Anna mentioned in her blog that we can sort of talk without speaking now (using eyes/face)...which is interesting...someone made a comment and we just looked at eachother and we could tell exactly what the other was thinking. Anyway...yeah, the gathering was fun...at one point in the dark Dave's shirt was off and some people dove for it...never really found out the reason for that lol, but it was interesting. And there was a tickle war type thing that was great too...Aliana grabbed Dave and instructed the rest of us to tickle him...who were we to object? Haha...Dave especially seemed really happy at and after the gathering so I'm hoping that helped ^^ I know it did for me...I needed to be around friends that night, and, as always, they were wonderful.

Saturday I went shopping AGAIN which I'm really sick of...but along with searching for some more long sleeve shirts, I had to get some shoes and something to wear to my cousin's wedding in a few weeks. I found the MOST PRETTYFUL DRESS EVER so I was reeeeeeeaaaaaaally excited about that. It's black velvet with a v-neck and just below that, it has this gathering that trails off into a slit. It's sooooo pretty, I love it!

AAAAH I have to go get ready for dance! And I haven't gotten to the best part of the weekend yet! So I'll have to update more later...but probably not tonight because I'll be on the phone with Corey after dance since his computer is broken.

Mmm...blog time. Today was...different. I was so tired...and I had a ton of time in classes where I should've slept...but I just couldn't. Last night was horrible. I couldn't sleep...I fought flashbacks and panic attacks and memories for so long...a war between that and the lullaby I'm supposed to imagine that usually lulls me to sleep...after a while of conflict I just got so worn out I couldn't fight them anymore...so I let go, got to see and feel it all again...And then I prayed. It was probably the longest prayer I've had in ages...very repetative, because I was still practically in histerics as I did...and I was just completely freaking out because there was no way for me to tell if it was enough, if I needed to elaborate, if I should be doing something more than that...and i did this thing that's like the equivalant to dry heaves...only it wasn't like throwing up...it was crying...only no tears. And oddly enough, I had a flash to the story I wrote for creative writing...because it talks about how pain is washed away by tears. And through gasps of breath I prayed again...and I asked God to let me be able to cry...I've never been that desperate to cry in my whole life...and then tears started flowing down my face...only for a few seconds...but somehow I felt relief. Not so much that the tears helped...but I felt like God was really listening...

So today I was shaky sometimes...not all of the time, there were times when I was fine, at least physically...being around Corey really helps that a lot...but in child development I tried to crochet and we watched a movie that had a children's psychologist in it...and I kinda freaked again just from that small reference...and so my hands shook so much I could hardly crochet.

I'm tired yet I'm awake...

Oh, and I've determined that me becoming a psychologist is the equivilant to a person who faints at the sight of blood becoming a surgeon.

You know you're bored when you copy a giant survey out of someone else's blog during creative writing...haha, I don't feel like making an analysis of my writing style...so I stole this from Megan who stole it from James! wOOt <-- and I stole that from Anna.
001) What time are you starting this?: 12:23 school time
003) Date of birth?: 12-12-87
004) Sex?: definitly not a guy. haha
005) Height?: 5' 5"
006) Eye color?: brown
008) Location?: computer lab, apex high school
009) Where were you born?: CALIFORN-I-A! (sorry, the beach boys taught me how to spell that when I was little...so the I and A must be seperate from the rest of the word! bwhaha!)
010) Have you ever failed a grade?: nope
011) If you have, what grade did you fail?: none
013) Do you have a bf/gf?: yup <3
014) If so, what is their name: Corey <3
015) How long have you been together?: A month and almost a day
016) What are you wearing right now?: Jeans and a ti-dye shirt...the freshies guilted me into actually doing SOMETHING for spirt week
017) Would you have sex before marriage?: Nope
018) Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers?: *Snort* have you SEEN the guy teachers in north carolina!? (*cracks up* sorry, had to steal Meggie's answer for that one)
019) Do you smoke? Nope
020) Do you drink?: Nope
021) Are you ghetto?: no...I SO NEED GHETTO LESSONS FROM ANNA! *giggle fit*
023) Are you a player?: Can girls even BE players? (once again, a Megan answer. Sorry, just gotta love her responses!)
024) What are your favorite colors?: purple blue and pretty shades of green
025) What is your favorite animal?: horses
026) Do you have any birthmarks?: yup...one on arm, one on leg
027) Have you ever gotten your ass kicked?: lol that's lovely...and no
029) Have you ever beat someone up?: if u know me-physically and personality wise, either really-u'd know the answer.
030) Annoyances? haha that could be a loooooong list so not going to go there
031) Have you ever been slapped?: nope
032) Do you get online a lot?: well yesterday i freaked b/c mom decided we were going shopping right after school and therefore i couldnt go home and put an away message on...does that answer the question?
033) Are you shy or outgoing?: shy in some cases...but i can be reeeeaaaallllly outgoing at times
034) Do you shower?: haha, yes! what on earth kind of question is that?!?!?!
035) Do you hate school?: i dislike parts of it...but theres some good aspects too, so no, not hate
036) Do you have a social life?: :-) i love my friends, and we do lots of stuff together...so yesh!
037) How easily do you trust people?: for most people it takes a loooong time...but then there's ones I just instantly trust
038) Have you ever lied to your bestfriends?: yes
039) Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing?: yeah...tho a few people know it already
040) Would you ever sky dive?: o god no...im not great with heights unless I'm atttached to something. Ladders=bad. yet i think parasailing would be really fun. go figure
041) Do you like to dance?: YES! tap and ballet since age 3, took up jazz in 3rd grade (i think...maybe fouth? around then) and dropped ballet the next year..still tap and jazz to this day.
068) Have you ever been out of state?: Yup!
069) Do you like to travel?: sometimes...dont like the trip part tho...and i miss people
070) Have you ever been expelled from school?: Nope
071) Have you ever been suspended from school?: nope
071) Do you want to get out of your hometown?: urm...well hometown is tecnically somewhere i havent been since i was 2...as for cary, eh, sometimes yes, but im fine here for now
073) Are you a brat?: Sometimes.
074) Have you ever been dumped?: uhh...if u'd actually consider it a relationship, then yes...i tend to not consider it to have been one tho lol
075) Have you ever gotten high?: nope
076) What's your favorite drink?: u could probably call me an iced tea addict
077) Do you like Snapple?: yep!
078) Do you drink a lot of water?: not a whole lot...tho its in most of what i drink lol, juice and tea=much water
079) What toothpaste do you use?: this really cool organic strawberry-banana stuff...tastes like the froth of a banana milk shake! hehe...i have to find wierd toothpaste cause i dont like mint
080) Do you have a cell phone or pager?: the cell is generally considered mine now
081) Do you have a curfew?: not really...bedtime on school nights tho, 10
082) Who do you look up to?: No one really.
083) Are you a role model?: Not that I know of....
084) Have you ever been to Six Flags?: nope
085) What name brand do you wear the most?: uhh...no idea
086) What kind of jewelry do you wear?: usually just the necklace i inherited when my grandma died...ive weaned myself away from my ring just b/c i used to wear it everyday...oh, and my watch! cant live w/out a watch!
********THE BELL IS ABOUT TO RING SO I'LL GO BACK AND DO THE REST OF THIS THIS AFTERNOON/TONIGHT*******************
and now it's this afternoon so I'm working on this again ^^ because no one is on

087) What do you have pierced?: Ears
088) What do you want pierced?: not really anything...maybe like the top part of my ear
089) Do you like taking pictures?: yup-2 years of yearbook staff rather made me see the world through a lense for a while
090) Do you like getting your picture taken?: depends...i dont like posed ones because my expressions look really awful, but the ones people take without telling me can be fun
091) Do you have a tan?: i wish! tho believe it or not, u can still see my tan lines on my shoulders from this summer...yes...part of me is actually paler than u can see when i'm wearing normal clothes...isn't that scary?
092) Do you get annoyed easily?: sometimes i do...tho sometimes i just feel like arguing, especially when i havent gotten enough sleep *coughs* lunch convo about claymation dogs' knitting styles *cough* *giggles*
093) Have you ever started a rumor?: umm...not that i can think of
094) Do you have your own phone/phone line?: theres a phone in my playroom...not a separate line tho...but ive got a cell thats sort of mine
095) Do you have your own pool?: Nope...did in CA and AZ tho...miss that
096) Do you have any siblings?: Older brother, 20.
097) Do you prefer boxers or briefs?: *Rolls eyes* GIRL! And anything but thongs *shudders* (annother megan answer there...^^)
098) Have you ever been played?: *falls over*
099) Have you ever played anyone?: *falls over again*
100) Do you get along with your parents?: generally decently well...much more so than a lot of my friends, but less so than some...we don't argue an insane amount, but they know very little about me
102) How do you vent your anger?: im an addicted crocheter w/that lately...and i blog sometimes...mostly just ranting to people tho
103) Have you ever run away?: nope
104) Have you ever been fired from a job?: nope
105) Do you even have a job?: just babysitting
106) Do you daydream a lot?: yup ;-) <3
107) Do you think pregnant chicks should smoke? what a random question...and of course not!
108) Do you run your mouth?: when i was little my grandfather nicknamed me "chatterbox" and I even loved telling people that. Mom came home with a headache after grocery shopping because I'd sit in the little seat thing right in front of her, and never shut up. So yes, I'm a talker! Though i've become a lot more quiet than i used to be, i'd still say i talk a lot
109) What do you want a tattoo of?: *shudders*
110) What do you have a tattoo of?: *shudders again* ive had the rub on ones when i was little and that's enough lol
111) What are your favorite flowers?: Really any of them...gotta love roses and tulips and pansies. yes, pansies. not a common favorite flower choice, but i think they're pretty
112) What does your ex bf/gf look like?: umm...5'7" or so i think...brown hair...
113) What does your most recent crush look like?: 6' 3" blond and very vivid blue eyes...i'm bad w/descriptions. if ur reading this, you probably know him anyway
114) Have you ever been bitched out?: Is that physically possible? (*giggles* sorry megan...i just thought that was great so i stole it) and probably yeah...im trying to think of an example and not coming up with anything tho lol
115) When was the last time you bitched someone out?: lol well i've generally been super edgy lately, so i've probably yelled at like 1/2 my friends somewhat recently...sorry about that guys!
116) Are you rude?: i try not to be...tho sometimes things just come out wrong...i can be very abrupt tho
117) What was the last compliment you received?: Umm...*goes back through day* i guess when Erik compared me to Kat counts as a compliment...other than that...hehe, when Corey told me he loved me ^^
118) Do you like getting dirty?: not really...
119) Is your bellybutton an innie or outie?: Innie
121) What is your heritage?: between 1/2 to 3/4 irish, 1/4 austria-hungarian (from when they used to be one country...everyone just says austrian, but we don't really know where they came from once the borders split it) and the 0-1/4 leftover is probably french
122) What is your lucky number?: umm...well i decided that my favorite number was 8 a long time ago b/c it was an age i really liked...dont know why lol, but i did...so i guess that'd be it
123) What does your hair look like right now?: little longer than my shoulders, brown
124) Could you ever be a vegetarian?: been one since 2nd grade wOOt!
125) When was your last real heartbreak?: umm...few months ago
126) Describe your looks?: as ive said, im bad w/descriptions, and this thing already asked hair and eye color (both are brown :P ) and height. sooo...i look like me!
128) Would you ever date someone younger than you?: maybe
129) Would you ever date someone older than you?: lol, already have and am now...not a huge age difference tho
130) When was the last time you were drunk?: never have been...alcohol tates icky
131) When was the last time you went on a date?: i spent all of saturday with corey, and friday evening...but there were other people there too...last time we were alone...umm...harvest fest the weekend before?
133) Have you ever given?: *falls over*
134) Have you ever received?: *falls over again*
135) Have you ever had an eating disorder?: i had a stupid-eating-phase where i was retarded about what kinds of nutrients i ate...but after i realized it i fixed it...so it wasnt one of the ones that affects your brain like anorexia or something
136) Do you have one now?: Not unless chocolate addictions count as eating disorders hehe
137) How many rings until you answer the phone?: 2 or 3 usually...caller ID works by then
138) Have you ever been skinnydipping?: noe
139) If yes, when was the last time?: never
140) Do you look more like your mother or father?: people used to say i looked a lot like my dad...but i have a picture of my mom at her prom and we could be twins almost. i've got eyes from my dads side of the family tho...not his, but his sisters, so close enough
141) Do you cry a lot?: Sometimes
142) Do you ever cry to get your way?: nope...puppy dog face works on rache tho
143) If you had to amputate one limb, what would it be?: left arm...tho i'd be incredibly off balance..but considering how bad that shoulder is anyway lol...yeah
144) What phrase do you use most when on the phone?: "so..."
145) Are you the romantic type?: uhh...lol, i dont know...i like the romantic stuff...but i doubt people look at me and think of a romantic person
146) Have you ever been chased by cops?: nope lol
147) What do you like most about your body?: eyes
148) What do you like least about your body?: definitly thighs...they will never ever tighten! And dance doesnt fix them!
150) When was the last time you threw up?: uhhh...8th grade. yesh, that wonderful experiance lol...im terrified of throwing up b/c that time and the time before i ended up in the hospital.
151) In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes?: doesnt matter...at the moment, a blond ^^
152) What do the shoes you last wore look like?: black sandals
153) Do you ever wear shirts to show your belly?: i like them so they come down just past where my jeans do...but some of them show a tiny bit of skin, mostly ones from last year b/c ive grown some
154) What about cleavage?: uhh...some clothes show a tiny bit, but that cant really be avoided lol...but no, not trying to show it
155) Is your best friend a virgin?: yup
156) Have you ever fucked someone up?: *falls over* no
157) Have you ever been fucked up?: *falls over again* no
158) What color are your underwear right now?: uhh...white...RANDOM QUESTIONS
159) What theme does your room have?: my room is pink...and its got little girl stuff everywhere. stuffed animals on the floor (and beanybabies of course lol), a painting of dolls that mom is in love with and therefore i will probably never take it down lol, and pretty music boxes on the dresser. playroom however...HARRY POTTER AND HORSES weee! and lots of junk on the floors and to the sides...tons of craft stuff
160) What size shoe do you wear?: 8
167) What do you sleep in?: nightgown or pajamas
168) Has there ever been a rumor spread about you?: yeah, but havent heard one in a long time
169) What is one of your bad qualities?: I can over react to things and jump to conclusions a lot
170) What is one of your good qualities?: umm...you tell me?
171) Would you marry for money?: Never.
172) What do you drive?: if i had something to drive, it'd probably be wrecked by the time i left the driveway. so nothing :P
173) Have you ever given or received roadhead?: Lol I'm with James "OMG RADIOHEAD QUESTION! aww..." (*amused by that answer of megs*)
174) Are you more of a mama or daddy's child?: i guess its usually easier to talk to mom...but not incredibly close to either of them anymore...
175) What does your lj username mean?: corey came up with it...b/c poptarts make me hyper hehe
176) What's your favorite lj to read?: umm...well I love reading corey's but I check Anna's the most often cause she updates it most
177) When was the last time you cried in school?: like..2 months ago? ish?
178) Do you wear Chucks?: *Munches on shoes* (*wants to know why meg is munching on her shoes*)
179) What time are you finished? 3:40...cause i stopped from 12:40 to like 3:20ish

Weeeeee! The bad parts of the last few days aren't worth talking about, especially not now, because I'm in an ultra-happy mood. This entry is going to be about only one thing because it's all I can think about: Corey and I have been going out a month today! Weeeee! I think it was like aniversary day or something today, because I found annother couple with the same day-except their's was 9 months, but still. Corey sent me the sweetist E-card...and I loved that idea so I stole his idea and found one to send back to him too. He's sick though...sore throat...so we're both hoping he feels much better soon ^^ But I'm not going to catch it! I've loaded up on the vitamin C...haha, I think I've got about 250% of the daily value thingie for today...I'm determined not to get sick, but sort of staying away from him is reaaaaally hard, especially today. Hehe, oh well...I can online-kiss him for now lol...and then that's all the more real kisses saved up for when he's better ^^ O:-) :-D ;-) 8-)

*Hypervenalates with laughter at what Anna just told me* OMG OMG OMG OMG SOME THINGS ARE ENTIRELY TOO COINCIDENTAL! *giggles insanely*

Weeee well the last few days have been much fun! Thursday, Corey and I went to Anna's chorus concert, which was awesome-especially this song that's supposedly an African folk song...except it's about drinking Coca-cola...and near the end this one guy yells "STOP!....Pepsi?" and the director went "no...not pepsi!" and then the chorus starts up again with "Coca-cola!" That was great. AND I GOT TO SEE RANDOM PEOPLE I KNOW! including some I haven't seen since middle school. Haha...even though I didn't go talk to them...but seeing Chris again was hillarious...he got to be one of the two main people in this one song just the guys did. And the girls did "Mr. Sandman" which I will forever relate to this old tv show, Family Ties, where they have to sing that...SORRY I'M A LITTLE HYPER NOW B/C OF ANNA AND DAN! *giggles* I"m trying to convince Dan to marry Anna at the moment...because apparently I just bought Anna...and those are Anna's terms for her buying me...haha...and Anna definitly just asked who Santa is...ANYWAY!

Last night we went to the football game, and we got to see the marching band and orc show! It rained so we weren't sure we'd get to, but it slacked off a lot just before halftime. A little after that, we left and I went over to Corey's house for a while. We watched a movie...an old one, but it was pretty good...His mom and sister watched with us though...But it was still fun because I got to be with Corey :-)

And then today.....urm, yesterday! Yes, it's definily almost 1 AM...geeze...I need to go to bed soon! But anyway, I got to spend all day with Corey and his family and their friends from Greensborough...we went out to lunch and then to the State-Conneticut game...which was tied until the last 5 seconds when the other team had the ball, State intercepted, and got a touchdown...which even I'll admit was pretty cool...and Corey predicted it, so that added to the coolness lol. Then we went back to Corey's for a while...and then we drove up to State again, to pick up one of the Greensborough people's (Charlie) friends (Zach/Zack...not sure how he spells it lol) who is in the State marching band. So that was cool...haha, we got lost on the way back though...but we got there eventually. And then I got to stay there until like 10 :-) Oh and I have to put this here..."AFLAME!"

Wooo...insanely tired...have been for a while actually...during the movie at Corey's I kept going cross eyed while trying to keep my eyes open...but I wouldn't let myself fall asleep...I was determined to be concious to enjoy every moment of being in his arms.

Going to end this entry...but maybe still stay up a while lol...bye!

OK...creative writing...free time to work on our stories which I really don't want to do because I'd rather do it on the computer, and since it's on the mac I can't put it on a disk to bring here. Anyway....I'm going to blog now, since I just read a bunch of other people's blogs.

I've still been focusing a lot on what I want to do with my life. I guess I just focused on being a psychologist or counselor for so long that I hadn't really considered other options. But now...I don't know...I don't think I could handle psychology. I mean, I can barely do it now-just imagine a career of that, every day listening to people's problems and trying to help them through them...It's overwhelming. And then I keep thinking back to Youth..."Don't do what you want to do; do what God want you to do." Everytime I try to get out of this, something else is thrown at me...sometimes I get a break which is absolute bliss...but then things just come back...and I wonder if that means I'm supposed to keep at it? I guess it does. But...I'm scared. I'm terrified, actually. The idea of continuing with counseling...its horrific. I'm not even really "dealing with" very much right now, and the bit that I am is driving me crazy. And besides that...I'm scared because I think getting so worked up over everything has made me lose some of my caring for people...I mean, I still worry, I give hugs...but I just don't want to listen to the problems anymore, and I don't like that feeling. I'm nosy, no point in denying that, so I sort of want to know what's going on...but at the same time I really don't. I'm just sick of sad things...they've consumed a huge part of my life over the last...wow, nearly a year...I mean, the only plot I could come up with for my creative writing story was about a girl cutting herself! And I've never written anything like that before. When I get a taste of happiness, it's so wonderful that I just can't stand to let go.

I'm scared to write the details out in my private blog. That's a really creepy feeling. I actually have no entries in it now since the first one got deleeted...It's annother one of those "what if it's a message from God?" things...because I've really been watching those lately...one of those things possibly saved a few lives, I later found out...and I'm scared someone might read it, somehow finding the address or something...and for some reason, it's a lot easier to type things out than write them, so I really don't want to try writing it out in a diary.

In other news...Corey and I are going to Anna's chorus concert tonight...so that'll be much fun ^^ Tomorrow I get to go to the Apex-Cary football game and finally see the orc show! yayness (yesh, my reaction to the football game is "yay I get to watch the marching band/orcs!" haha...that's what I get for being an uncoordinated band dork lol)...then spending Saturday w/Corey and his family and some of their friends from Greensborough...so this weekend should be really nice...Definitly looking forward to it.

It feels like it's been forever since I last wrote in here...Not much has really happened...except I've done a lot of thinking about our Youth service on Sunday. The subject was "Why do bad things happen?" During parts of the talk I was litterally fighting tears...and I didn't really know why. I mean, yeah, some bad things have happened...but still...I dunno. Then we got in our small groups, and that's the part that I've really been thinking about. We had to write down something bad that's happened in our own life...and what was kind of weird was...I couldn't think of anything. I mean, really, what's happened in MY life that's been bad? Nearly everything I worry and stress about is about someone else, not me. So my conclusion is that I should feel really lucky that nothing seriously bad has happened in my life...especially after seeing so many others go through really hard things...and I should be gratefull for all the good things in my life. The other part of Youth I keep thinking about is our discussion of how we shouldn't do what we want to do, but what God wants us to do. But...what if you think you know what God is telling you to do...and...well...this sounds pathetic, but what if you think it's too hard? I mean...I feel like he keeps giving me things to help me through tough times...and as much as they help...what if it makes you too miserable?

Ack bedtime...bye!

How is it possible to be this incredibly happy yet so unhappy at the same time? It seems like everything should be going so well now...and some things are...but I've gone back to worrying about people...and yes, people, not person. Not to mention this whole drifting thing is scaring me...not just within our "group" but with my other friends too...I was thinking today, I have friends that I once considered my best friends who I havent seen like a year, and even one I've only talked to once since last January! Not just "seen" but TALKED TO! And calling them now would be really ackward feeling...and hanging out with them again would just feel too strange. And I don't like that at all. It's bad enough with Mahitha and I-she and I saw eachother tonight for the first time since mid-August!-but at least she still knows a little bit of what's going on...well, no, not really-she doesn't know the depressing stuff, or at least very little of it. She's still a wonderful friend and I love being around her because everything seems so relaxed...but at the same time, I'm like "what happened to me being able to tell her everything?" because I just don't think I can anymore...It's not like I don't trust her or something like that, it would just feel too ackward to bring up and it's not things she'd want to talk about. I mentioned a tiny bit of one thing once...but I made it out to be such a small thing that it didn't really matter. I really miss having Mahitha around all the time though...but it's not like it used to be, and I guess that's what I miss the most.

I've been really living in my childhood lately...I'm one of the few of my friends that actually had a great childhood, and I miss it a lot. So if anyone's been wondering why I drift off and start talking about things I did as a kid...it's sort of an escape for me. Sorry if it bugs some of you...and I guess it does, considering the screwed looks I've gotten from people lately when I do that lol...but it's a subconcious thing until I'm halfway through telling a story. Maybe that's why I like kids so much. It's like not possible for me to see a kid and not at least think "aww!"

It's almost three in the morning, I haven't done my homework or studying that I should've done this afternoon, I have to clean my room tomorrow (yeah, again, I know ><) and I'm completely exausted from that dance festival. So I'm going to go to bed now and hope the stupid blisters on my feet go away. And yes, I know Isound like a crab-ignore the crabbiness; it's 3 AM! lol

I came up with a description for my last entry when I said I didn't know how to describe how I felt..and just because I like the way I think about it, I decided I had to put it in here.

It's like when you're riding on a roller coaster, and just as you start to go down the big drop, your stomach seems like it rises towards your chest...and then for a moment, you're completely suspended, and it's like no time is passing at all, but even in that split second, you feel anxious and excited...and then an instant later, you're zooming along, your stomach drops a bit, and a smile spreads over your face. You're not sure exactly why...but you just feel so happy...and you're free from the rest of the world, if only for a short amount of time...but you can keep remembering, and you feel it over and over again, although nothing can replace the actual feeling.

That's my best analogy :-)

Today=very very good day! I just got back from Harvestfest at the church where a bunch of my friends go and I where I go to for youth. I was so happy when I found out about it, because I though I wasn't going to get to see Corey much this weekend-he couldn't come to the play last night because he had to go out to dinner with his dad, and then he has competition this afternoon and evening, and I'll be gone by the time he's home (more on that in a min), and so I wouldn't get to see him until youth. But instead I got to spend about 4 hours with him today, which was, as always hehe, absolutely wonderful. We hung out with Anna (who I get to see all three days this weekend wOOt!), Ross, Hannah, and some other people I don't really know for a while...and then they had to leave, so it was just Corey and me for a bit. Haha, I was in such a cuddly mood today...so I got to snuggle up to him a lot, which is always a good thing :-D ;-) O:-). Then we saw Jessica and John, so we hung out with them for a while...I don't really know them very well, but we just had casual conversations, so that was nice. We also got to play in the hay bales lol-we helped load them in the truck and then we got to spread the ones that were massivley falling apart. Spreading=kicking hay crazily on eachother haha. Melissa was there for a few minutes, but then she had to go...and then Jess and John left too, so it was back to just me and Corey...and we just decided to lay down in the grass/hay...and we had some more "snuggle time" hehe...we both had so much hay all over us, but it didn't matter to either of us. My stomach is still jumping just thinking about it-I don't know how to describe it...except very very much in love. Everytime we'd hold hands or hug or put our arms around eachother, every time we kissed...instant rush, the very good kind :-) I love you Corey!

Tonight I'm going with my friend Mahitha to an Indian festival called Garba, where we get to dance for hours and hours. I've been the last few years, and it's soooo much fun (hehe...even though last year I dislocated my thumb in the process...but let's not get into that!). Anyway, we're not staying as long as we usually do, because it's usually on a three day weekend (it runs a few weekends in a row, and we go on the three day one so we can have a sleepover-bah on Hurricane Isabel!). It lasts until like 2:00 or 3:00 AM! I don't know when I'll be home though, so don't expect me on most likely, especially since my internet seems like it wants to go out between 12:30 and 1:30 everynight lately. I'll check to see though whenever I get back, and if I can get online, I will...cause it's possible I"ll be home early...like 12ish? Maybe...it depends how long we stay, all I was told was "not as long as normal."

Best of luck to the Apex Marching Band and Orcs at competition today!

I'm going to actually go do some homework now (maybe O:-) )...bye!

*Majorly huge giant whimper* I finally took people's advice and made a private blog...and I wrote a HUGE entry in it-litterally like probably 2-3 pages on a document, single spaced...AND WHEN I TRIED TO POST IT IT DIDNT GO THROUGH AND THEN AOL FROZE! GGGGGRRRRROOOOOOWWWWWLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Waits impatiently for parents to come home to find out if Corey can come over today* So I'm going to blog while I wait.

Mmm...new stuff...well the thing we were going to do Sunday but couldn't but then were going to do at a later date appears to have fallen apart...Part of me is really thinking we had some major signs that kept us from going through with it...which I'm greatful for...but at the same time, I'm really not liking the idea of going on like it's been for so long...So I'm frustrated with that...I thought I'd found a way out of something, and instead I've basically burried myself deeper into it. Rawr. I've been thinking though...at youth we got to sing "Let it Be" and some of the words keep playing over in my mind. I had one reaction to it immediately afterwards into the next day...but then when I started really getting worked up about not wanting to just "Let it Be" I started thinking...maybe its "let it be" for now...but "there will be an answer" eventually...and quite frankly, eventually needs to hurry up.

Anyway, enough about that...Hrm...Well I FINALLY actually got some work done on my short story today. I don't really like it that much, mostly because the plot isn't exactly a plot...but I'm hoping it'll kinda be one of those powerful emotional things instead, so I guess I'll live with it. I can't think of annother story idea anyway. This one's rather depressing...I wrote one of the strong emotional parts today in class and it kinda left me shaking for a few minutes just because of the subject...but it'll have a happy ending, though I don't know what the ending will be yet lol.

Tonight is powder puff...and I really want to go because the idea of guy cheerleaders is hillarious (my child development teacher is the jv coach and she says some of the guys have better jumps than the regular cheerleaders...this I've gotta see), plus I know a bunch of the girls that are playing in the football game. I dunno who else is going...Corey just went to go see if he can...and now he's back and he can :-) and he's hopefully going to come over here for a while first, but my parents aren't here for me to ask so they need to hurry up and get home lol.

Things with Corey are still absolutely wonderful :-) He's so sweet...every minute I'm away from him, I just keep thinking about him...I love you Corey!

Hehe...well I'm out of things to say...so I'll end on that happy note!