Sunday, March 26, 2006
I leave for Mississippi tomorrow (Monday) at 2:00 (at Apex United Methodist Church..the big white one in downtown Apex...if anyone wants to come give me some send off good luck hugs...I'll be there around 1:30...hint hint haha). I really need this trip...though not knowing people scares me a little bit...mostly because they already know eachother so I'll very much be an outsider. But...I need a mission project to get me through the rest of this year. I'm hoping I can make these memories last until graduation, and then I've got a few more trips planned this summer that I can look forward to for more batches of sanity hopefully. It's odd though...I can't even think about many things after this trip...I feel like I'm going to be gone forever...and in a way I kind of wish I would be. And yet that's not completely true because there are still some people here I'd miss way too much.
People keep asking me why this mission trip will keep me sane and honestly...I have no idea. I just know it will. "We walk by faith, not by sight,"~2nd Corinthians and I'm too lazy to look up the chapter and verse numbers. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." ~Proverbs 3:5-6. So basically I'm just going to focus on those two passages and not worry about why this mission trip is so important to me, why I feel like I was called to go, or why I feel completely insane and that if I don't go I'll random explode and yet I think this mission trip might temporarily calm that feeling. It sounds kind of odd for my religion to be telling me not to ask why, but in this case I'll gladly make it one less thing to ponder.
So while I'm gone I want lots of love! Leave me some messages on my cell phone, text or regular, because we're allowed to bring cells for this project. For sake of making this not searchable or whatever I'm going to do the weird little typing out phone numbery thingie nine.one.nine.two.one.zero.four.four.zero.zero lol that looks so retarded but whatever; now you guys have no excuse for not calling or texting me! I'll check messages every night and I might be able to call you back at night if I have some free time but I'm not sure.
And finally, a quote I stole from Andy's away message:
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."
~Ghandi
I love you all. Be safe and have a wonderful spring break.
|
People keep asking me why this mission trip will keep me sane and honestly...I have no idea. I just know it will. "We walk by faith, not by sight,"~2nd Corinthians and I'm too lazy to look up the chapter and verse numbers. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." ~Proverbs 3:5-6. So basically I'm just going to focus on those two passages and not worry about why this mission trip is so important to me, why I feel like I was called to go, or why I feel completely insane and that if I don't go I'll random explode and yet I think this mission trip might temporarily calm that feeling. It sounds kind of odd for my religion to be telling me not to ask why, but in this case I'll gladly make it one less thing to ponder.
So while I'm gone I want lots of love! Leave me some messages on my cell phone, text or regular, because we're allowed to bring cells for this project. For sake of making this not searchable or whatever I'm going to do the weird little typing out phone numbery thingie nine.one.nine.two.one.zero.four.four.zero.zero lol that looks so retarded but whatever; now you guys have no excuse for not calling or texting me! I'll check messages every night and I might be able to call you back at night if I have some free time but I'm not sure.
And finally, a quote I stole from Andy's away message:
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."
~Ghandi
I love you all. Be safe and have a wonderful spring break.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
The roller coaster ride continues...I think I'll just talk about the fun parts tonight though...
State contest went pretty well. The sight reading judge was really impressed with us, but honestly I don't think we did all that well. Oh well. We got a superior anyway lol. All the Apex music groups that went this year (Chorus, Concert Band I, Concert Band II, Wind Ensamble, and Orchestra) got Superiors for the first time in Apex High history, so that's pretty cool.
I've been tutoring a kid in Algebra I for the last week or so, and after two sessions, he had his first test...and he went up 26 points from his last test^^ That made me really really happy. His mom almost made me cry when she picked him up the day he found out his test score...she said "You are the angel that was sent to help him" and I was like "awwwww!"
Oh I know what else I've done lately! I went to Steven's Eagle ceremony last Saturday, which was fun. Then Matt and I planned to go to a Broughton soccer gathering (which somehow became a football gathering?), but things went completely crazy first lol. We were both dressed up but I decided I didn't care since I wasn't going to play, except I didn't want to wear heels, so I asked Matt's mom if I could borrow a pair of her shoes. So Matt and I went back to his house. He changed, I found shoes, I filled up water bottles, we started looking up directions, called Kelly, etc. Then Matt realized how late it was and that he was supposed to meet someone within half an hour or so to work on his car. So I put the shoes back, emptied the water bottles, closed the page w/the address and the directions, called my parents and told them Matt was going to drop me off in a few minutes. Then Matt's cell rang. The guy who was supposed to help him with his car couldn't come. So we reversed the process lol. My parents thought I was crazy because I called them so many times, as did Matt's dad because we kept running past him. Then of course I had the sense to leave my cell phone at Matt's so I had to give my parents yet another call to tell them not to call my cell and to call Matt's if they needed me lol. So anyway...We finally got to the gathering. About ten minutes later, the game ended (yay!). We all went out to dinner together, had an adventure following Brian the speed driver in Matt's truck with its inability to accelerate, and then saw Fun with Dick and Jane. It was a really fun night and I hope we have more gatherings like that again soon!
School stuff....Ugh german sucks as usual. I'm still struggling. I'm barely holding onto an A in there and I got an 86 on my midterm, which is not good for me, but Frau says my quarter grade is still an A but it's low. So...bleh. I got to work with Hannah P for the last few minutes of class today and I will tomorrow too, thanks to Frau being spacey and forgetfull haha (she paired us with other people but we just sat together and she didn't notice O:-) hehe) and I'm hoping that it will continue after spring break too. Stat...is stat lol. I'm having trouble concentrating in that class, partially because we're practically doing the same thing over and over again with slight varriations, and partially because I'm brain dead because I've just come from German. However...even when I feel like I have no idea what's going on, I usually make like a 95 or higher on everything we do so it doesn't really matter lol. Tech theater is much fun as always. We're working on ideas for the set of Sweet Charity, and it's pretty much designed now. We'll start construction after Spring Break, which starts tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to be in the Pit for the musical, which is awsome. We'll even get to be on stage :-) I'm excited. Band...meh. We've been kinda wild in there this week because contest is over and it's almost spring break. I still miss the social part, even though Amber, Marissa, Joe, and Eron are really nice. It's just not the same as things used to be, but I guess it just never will be. I still don't really understand why but whatever. I just need to stop thinking about it or I'll start crying again and I'm entirely too sick of that.
I've decided that the three most cuddly non-bf guys ever are Matt, Steven, and Dave. They keep me sane. It's kind of amusing though. Matt's actually started introducing me to people as his sister or "the sister i never had" because otherwise we think people get the wrong impression lol. Steven I don't see often enough around people who don't know us well for it to matter, and Dave hugs everyone so no one notices lol.
Oh and one final fun thing because I g2g-Ms. Bate was subbing for chorus today and it was during my tech class and she got fed up with them (because she tried to make them sight read something and she doesn't know how to teach them a piece of music and tried to teach it to them anyway lol) and yelled and finally brought them to the auditorium for Ms. Winter to watch them instead...so Matt (not Cowan...umm...I can't htink of his last name, the one from my creative writing class last semester that's in tech now) and I just looked at eachother and laughed when she came in because it's actually really funny to see her fed up with other classes now because both of us disliked her so much because she was so hateful to us.
Gnight!
|
State contest went pretty well. The sight reading judge was really impressed with us, but honestly I don't think we did all that well. Oh well. We got a superior anyway lol. All the Apex music groups that went this year (Chorus, Concert Band I, Concert Band II, Wind Ensamble, and Orchestra) got Superiors for the first time in Apex High history, so that's pretty cool.
I've been tutoring a kid in Algebra I for the last week or so, and after two sessions, he had his first test...and he went up 26 points from his last test^^ That made me really really happy. His mom almost made me cry when she picked him up the day he found out his test score...she said "You are the angel that was sent to help him" and I was like "awwwww!"
Oh I know what else I've done lately! I went to Steven's Eagle ceremony last Saturday, which was fun. Then Matt and I planned to go to a Broughton soccer gathering (which somehow became a football gathering?), but things went completely crazy first lol. We were both dressed up but I decided I didn't care since I wasn't going to play, except I didn't want to wear heels, so I asked Matt's mom if I could borrow a pair of her shoes. So Matt and I went back to his house. He changed, I found shoes, I filled up water bottles, we started looking up directions, called Kelly, etc. Then Matt realized how late it was and that he was supposed to meet someone within half an hour or so to work on his car. So I put the shoes back, emptied the water bottles, closed the page w/the address and the directions, called my parents and told them Matt was going to drop me off in a few minutes. Then Matt's cell rang. The guy who was supposed to help him with his car couldn't come. So we reversed the process lol. My parents thought I was crazy because I called them so many times, as did Matt's dad because we kept running past him. Then of course I had the sense to leave my cell phone at Matt's so I had to give my parents yet another call to tell them not to call my cell and to call Matt's if they needed me lol. So anyway...We finally got to the gathering. About ten minutes later, the game ended (yay!). We all went out to dinner together, had an adventure following Brian the speed driver in Matt's truck with its inability to accelerate, and then saw Fun with Dick and Jane. It was a really fun night and I hope we have more gatherings like that again soon!
School stuff....Ugh german sucks as usual. I'm still struggling. I'm barely holding onto an A in there and I got an 86 on my midterm, which is not good for me, but Frau says my quarter grade is still an A but it's low. So...bleh. I got to work with Hannah P for the last few minutes of class today and I will tomorrow too, thanks to Frau being spacey and forgetfull haha (she paired us with other people but we just sat together and she didn't notice O:-) hehe) and I'm hoping that it will continue after spring break too. Stat...is stat lol. I'm having trouble concentrating in that class, partially because we're practically doing the same thing over and over again with slight varriations, and partially because I'm brain dead because I've just come from German. However...even when I feel like I have no idea what's going on, I usually make like a 95 or higher on everything we do so it doesn't really matter lol. Tech theater is much fun as always. We're working on ideas for the set of Sweet Charity, and it's pretty much designed now. We'll start construction after Spring Break, which starts tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to be in the Pit for the musical, which is awsome. We'll even get to be on stage :-) I'm excited. Band...meh. We've been kinda wild in there this week because contest is over and it's almost spring break. I still miss the social part, even though Amber, Marissa, Joe, and Eron are really nice. It's just not the same as things used to be, but I guess it just never will be. I still don't really understand why but whatever. I just need to stop thinking about it or I'll start crying again and I'm entirely too sick of that.
I've decided that the three most cuddly non-bf guys ever are Matt, Steven, and Dave. They keep me sane. It's kind of amusing though. Matt's actually started introducing me to people as his sister or "the sister i never had" because otherwise we think people get the wrong impression lol. Steven I don't see often enough around people who don't know us well for it to matter, and Dave hugs everyone so no one notices lol.
Oh and one final fun thing because I g2g-Ms. Bate was subbing for chorus today and it was during my tech class and she got fed up with them (because she tried to make them sight read something and she doesn't know how to teach them a piece of music and tried to teach it to them anyway lol) and yelled and finally brought them to the auditorium for Ms. Winter to watch them instead...so Matt (not Cowan...umm...I can't htink of his last name, the one from my creative writing class last semester that's in tech now) and I just looked at eachother and laughed when she came in because it's actually really funny to see her fed up with other classes now because both of us disliked her so much because she was so hateful to us.
Gnight!
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Updating because it's been a long time.
Not too much has happened the last few weeks. I got sick...yuck...either a mild case of the flu that showed up negative on the test or a virus very similar to it...and then it turned into a sinus infection, so I went to the doctor twice within 4 days. Fun stuff. My uncle died...which was sad because of the usual sadness associated with death, but in a way I think it was a good thing. He's been sick for years-he was diabetic and had heart problems so that he couldn't even stand up for more than a few minutes at a time. He couldn't work, and his brain went...downhill I guess...over the last few years. Kinda like memory loss but...I dunno. So he's had to spend almost all of the time sitting on a couch watching tv for many years now. Anyway...He got pneumonia and it just took over and made his body shut down. I'm glad that he's in a better place now. I feel bad for my aunt, but oddly enough I actually feel worse for my uncle's dog, Molly. She's a big doverman and she was always extremely protective of my uncle. She wouldn't let many people get near him and now that he's gone, she just seems lost. My cousin did the sweetest thing for the funeral though...she works at a florist...and she took this model of Molly that my uncle had and used it as a decoration for a flower wreath to be put by his grave, and she put a ribbon across it that said "Molly." Everyone said afterwards that if he could have been there to see it, the flowers "from Molly" would've been the ones he cared about the most. So that was sweet. Unfortunately I couldn't be there to be with my family...partially because I was sick and partially because I would've missed three days of school so my parents wouldn't let me. So I stayed home sick alone and that kinda sucked but oh well. I missed a good bit of school...I was kind of afraid to come to the play Thursday night because Mr. Rowe was there and I hadn't been in band all week and it's almost time for State Festival and yeah...but I figured coughing up blood was a reasonable excuse to not play my clarinet for a few days lol.
So speaking of the play...It was awesome. The actors and actresses were great and the pit was awesome and all the props and scenery stuff was cool too. Jill's dad taped it and I'm going to try to have a gathering soon to watch it if anyone would like to see it and didn't get a chance...or if they just want to see it again lol.
On Saturday I saw the Cary play. The acting was very well done, especially Annanananna and that kid that played the really dorky nephew lol. The one thing I must say against their play was that the techinical parts...weren't so good. At first I thought I was just being over critical because of tech theater or something, but when we could hardly hear some of the soloists because the mics kept turning on and off, and when the spot light was bigger than the stage and then shrunk, aimed at the soloist and cut off the top half of his head, and when the house lights (like...the ones over the audience's head lol) kept randomly turning off and on...yeah. Lol. But I'm still glad I went and so did Jill, Ashley, two Austins, Kelly, and Lisa, so that was cool.
I went to Steven's last night for a kinda mini birthday thing...and I must paraphrase Rachel's part of the devotional at youth tonight because it's quite true. "We spent most of the evening hanging out with parents and talking...and as dorky as it sounds, it was fun." No, I'm not kidding. Matt's mom and Steven's parents were there, and we just hung out and talked with them about college stuff and graduation stuff and vacation plans and random stuff like that and played with the dog and the bird. It was unlike a steriotypical 18th bday party lol but we all had a really good time.
Stuff coming up soon...Mississippi Katrina relief over spring break...much fun. I'm not good friends with anyone going but I'll live. Jen Whit is going and a few other people I kinda know. State contest is thursday...woot. Umm...still need to fill out two more scholarship things...and I think that's about it lol. I'm just trying to concentrate on those things and then think about fun stuff I get to do this summer...ASP, AOSP, Bald Head Island with Rachel, beach with my family though I'm not really looking forward to that lol...woot sitting in a room crocheting and watching tv for a week because all the kids there my age hate me and I'm sick of giving them chances to be nice. They beg every year and then turn on me and that's why I haven't gone for the last two years. No such luck this year though, but at least I only have to stay for a week instead of two because of mission projects.
Gnight.
|
Not too much has happened the last few weeks. I got sick...yuck...either a mild case of the flu that showed up negative on the test or a virus very similar to it...and then it turned into a sinus infection, so I went to the doctor twice within 4 days. Fun stuff. My uncle died...which was sad because of the usual sadness associated with death, but in a way I think it was a good thing. He's been sick for years-he was diabetic and had heart problems so that he couldn't even stand up for more than a few minutes at a time. He couldn't work, and his brain went...downhill I guess...over the last few years. Kinda like memory loss but...I dunno. So he's had to spend almost all of the time sitting on a couch watching tv for many years now. Anyway...He got pneumonia and it just took over and made his body shut down. I'm glad that he's in a better place now. I feel bad for my aunt, but oddly enough I actually feel worse for my uncle's dog, Molly. She's a big doverman and she was always extremely protective of my uncle. She wouldn't let many people get near him and now that he's gone, she just seems lost. My cousin did the sweetest thing for the funeral though...she works at a florist...and she took this model of Molly that my uncle had and used it as a decoration for a flower wreath to be put by his grave, and she put a ribbon across it that said "Molly." Everyone said afterwards that if he could have been there to see it, the flowers "from Molly" would've been the ones he cared about the most. So that was sweet. Unfortunately I couldn't be there to be with my family...partially because I was sick and partially because I would've missed three days of school so my parents wouldn't let me. So I stayed home sick alone and that kinda sucked but oh well. I missed a good bit of school...I was kind of afraid to come to the play Thursday night because Mr. Rowe was there and I hadn't been in band all week and it's almost time for State Festival and yeah...but I figured coughing up blood was a reasonable excuse to not play my clarinet for a few days lol.
So speaking of the play...It was awesome. The actors and actresses were great and the pit was awesome and all the props and scenery stuff was cool too. Jill's dad taped it and I'm going to try to have a gathering soon to watch it if anyone would like to see it and didn't get a chance...or if they just want to see it again lol.
On Saturday I saw the Cary play. The acting was very well done, especially Annanananna and that kid that played the really dorky nephew lol. The one thing I must say against their play was that the techinical parts...weren't so good. At first I thought I was just being over critical because of tech theater or something, but when we could hardly hear some of the soloists because the mics kept turning on and off, and when the spot light was bigger than the stage and then shrunk, aimed at the soloist and cut off the top half of his head, and when the house lights (like...the ones over the audience's head lol) kept randomly turning off and on...yeah. Lol. But I'm still glad I went and so did Jill, Ashley, two Austins, Kelly, and Lisa, so that was cool.
I went to Steven's last night for a kinda mini birthday thing...and I must paraphrase Rachel's part of the devotional at youth tonight because it's quite true. "We spent most of the evening hanging out with parents and talking...and as dorky as it sounds, it was fun." No, I'm not kidding. Matt's mom and Steven's parents were there, and we just hung out and talked with them about college stuff and graduation stuff and vacation plans and random stuff like that and played with the dog and the bird. It was unlike a steriotypical 18th bday party lol but we all had a really good time.
Stuff coming up soon...Mississippi Katrina relief over spring break...much fun. I'm not good friends with anyone going but I'll live. Jen Whit is going and a few other people I kinda know. State contest is thursday...woot. Umm...still need to fill out two more scholarship things...and I think that's about it lol. I'm just trying to concentrate on those things and then think about fun stuff I get to do this summer...ASP, AOSP, Bald Head Island with Rachel, beach with my family though I'm not really looking forward to that lol...woot sitting in a room crocheting and watching tv for a week because all the kids there my age hate me and I'm sick of giving them chances to be nice. They beg every year and then turn on me and that's why I haven't gone for the last two years. No such luck this year though, but at least I only have to stay for a week instead of two because of mission projects.
Gnight.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Sometimes I wish I could believe this...other times I'm glad I can't.
A winter’s day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
~Simon and Garfunkel
I guess I've been musically expressive lately...if there's such a term...meaning i'm relating everything to songs...here's the other main one, err part of it...
Won’t you look down upon me, jesus
You’ve got to help me make a stand
You’ve just got to see me through another day
My body’s aching and my time is at hand
And I won’t make it any other way
~James Taylor
I'm trying to believe that...I'm trying to rely on God...and yet I feel selfish for even asking such things...but I know this is driving me crazy. Strangers make me smile more lately than my "friends" do. I miss the way things used to be...I miss everyone hanging out together, or at least making the offer...I miss talking to people outside of school...not that we do a whole lot in school either...You know, sometimes I think "well maybe I'm just not making enough of an effort" but I think I'm afraid to make an effort because if it doesn't go through I'm going to feel even worse. I miss not feeling like every time I talk people look at me like "why is she wasting my time?" I miss not feeling like I have to bug people over and over just to get them to hang out with me. I miss not feeling like every conversation is either me rambling or me not talking at all. That's not a conversation; it's a monolouge. I'm sick of people being insensitive. Thank goodness for Dave and Matt...at least I can always steal hugs from them when it's all too much. I'm trying the mask thing and sometimes I can hide behind it and almost believe it, but most of the time, once everyone else is gone, it's gone.
So this entry is one of those lower dips on the roller coaster ride. Not everything today was bad...really nothing specifically bad even happened. I'm just...bleh. I think the best part of my day was helping someone with Geometry homework.
You know...I think most of all I miss the fact that I used to get hugs all the time without having to go up to people and specifically ask them for one.
I feel kinda stupid and pathetic even posting this but I guess I will.
Gnight.
|
A winter’s day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
~Simon and Garfunkel
I guess I've been musically expressive lately...if there's such a term...meaning i'm relating everything to songs...here's the other main one, err part of it...
Won’t you look down upon me, jesus
You’ve got to help me make a stand
You’ve just got to see me through another day
My body’s aching and my time is at hand
And I won’t make it any other way
~James Taylor
I'm trying to believe that...I'm trying to rely on God...and yet I feel selfish for even asking such things...but I know this is driving me crazy. Strangers make me smile more lately than my "friends" do. I miss the way things used to be...I miss everyone hanging out together, or at least making the offer...I miss talking to people outside of school...not that we do a whole lot in school either...You know, sometimes I think "well maybe I'm just not making enough of an effort" but I think I'm afraid to make an effort because if it doesn't go through I'm going to feel even worse. I miss not feeling like every time I talk people look at me like "why is she wasting my time?" I miss not feeling like I have to bug people over and over just to get them to hang out with me. I miss not feeling like every conversation is either me rambling or me not talking at all. That's not a conversation; it's a monolouge. I'm sick of people being insensitive. Thank goodness for Dave and Matt...at least I can always steal hugs from them when it's all too much. I'm trying the mask thing and sometimes I can hide behind it and almost believe it, but most of the time, once everyone else is gone, it's gone.
So this entry is one of those lower dips on the roller coaster ride. Not everything today was bad...really nothing specifically bad even happened. I'm just...bleh. I think the best part of my day was helping someone with Geometry homework.
You know...I think most of all I miss the fact that I used to get hugs all the time without having to go up to people and specifically ask them for one.
I feel kinda stupid and pathetic even posting this but I guess I will.
Gnight.
