Sunday, August 03, 2003
I am offically emotionally exausted. I can say and do nothing that can help anyone in anyway. For the first time in a while, I was actually specifically asked for help, and I did nothing. This is rediculous. I keep pulling myself up just a tiny little bit...and hitting rock bottom. I still don't have a descision on what I was talking about yesterday. I'm scared to try to help; I'm scared not to. Can't do either at the moment anyway though. This sucks. I don't want to go to sleep. Last night was nightmare and panic attack city. I dont want that again. Not now. Not ever, but really not now....but I'm feeling the attacks as I type. I spent half of today just trying to hold them back, eventually grabbing a book in the middle of a party to distract myself. I'm pathetic. I don't even know what's worse...using more energy to fight the attacks, or just let them consume me for a while, shake and have flashbacks and have my mind taken over until I finally fall unconcious from exasution several hours later, only to have nightmares that make me toss and turn all night. As much as I hate them, I don't think I can keep fighting. I'm scared and I'm frustrated with many things...mostly at myself. I'm going to stop fighting...its 2:00 and I'm too tired to hold them off anymore. Time to curl up in a ball in my bed and let it consume me.
