Thursday, August 07, 2003
I don't know what to say...
I talked to Dave the other day...he said some interesting things. He sugested that I write EVERYTHING down somewhere...diary, word processor, w/e. I think I'm going to try that...but the last few times I should've done it (including now) I'm too tired to say that much. The thing that I found kindof odd was that he said "dont hide your emotions from teh group...none of us have any idea that your unhappy unless we read your blog." I never thought about that...but I don't like to be the one who people group around and feel sorry for; I like to be a helper not the one being helped. One on one can be different...but I can't imagine showing how I feel in person, at least not to many people, especially because I don't want to ruin everyone else's good time. One thing was confirmed though...I wasn't exagerating a continuance of a reaction in my head; things really haven't gone away as some people say they have.
Last night...ugh, dont even want to go there. It sucked, I got offline around 1 i think...didn't go to bed until after 3...then spent entirely too long w/flahsbacks and nightmares.
Everything is so depressing now that even though I'm staying somewhat out of most things, I just feel weighted down constantly. And tired. Always tired.
The way I see it, I can't stop trying to help people, not entirely anyway. But I feel just as bad if not worse by avoiding the problems, especially the ones I know about. I don't think I could do this for the rest of my life though, not as a career. So I'm kinda at a loss now...I don't think just being a teacher could ever truely satisfy me. I need something in between...which I used to think would be a school councilor. That sounds pretty bad at the moment though...ugh.
In a depressing chat at the moment...and even the non-depressing parts and fun IMs can't make me smile. I'm sick of this and I don't know how to escape.
"I'm starting to slip, I'm losing my grip, and I'm in this thing alone...Cryin' out loud...Why should I care?" -Loosing Grip, Avril Lavinge
I talked to Dave the other day...he said some interesting things. He sugested that I write EVERYTHING down somewhere...diary, word processor, w/e. I think I'm going to try that...but the last few times I should've done it (including now) I'm too tired to say that much. The thing that I found kindof odd was that he said "dont hide your emotions from teh group...none of us have any idea that your unhappy unless we read your blog." I never thought about that...but I don't like to be the one who people group around and feel sorry for; I like to be a helper not the one being helped. One on one can be different...but I can't imagine showing how I feel in person, at least not to many people, especially because I don't want to ruin everyone else's good time. One thing was confirmed though...I wasn't exagerating a continuance of a reaction in my head; things really haven't gone away as some people say they have.
Last night...ugh, dont even want to go there. It sucked, I got offline around 1 i think...didn't go to bed until after 3...then spent entirely too long w/flahsbacks and nightmares.
Everything is so depressing now that even though I'm staying somewhat out of most things, I just feel weighted down constantly. And tired. Always tired.
The way I see it, I can't stop trying to help people, not entirely anyway. But I feel just as bad if not worse by avoiding the problems, especially the ones I know about. I don't think I could do this for the rest of my life though, not as a career. So I'm kinda at a loss now...I don't think just being a teacher could ever truely satisfy me. I need something in between...which I used to think would be a school councilor. That sounds pretty bad at the moment though...ugh.
In a depressing chat at the moment...and even the non-depressing parts and fun IMs can't make me smile. I'm sick of this and I don't know how to escape.
"I'm starting to slip, I'm losing my grip, and I'm in this thing alone...Cryin' out loud...Why should I care?" -Loosing Grip, Avril Lavinge
