Monday, August 25, 2003
Today...urg. Last night, I fell asleep around midnight...slept on and off till about 3:30 when i woke up...back to sleep around 4:15 i think...back up by 5 for good. I wasn't even thinking about something specific, I don't think...I don't know....it's all somewhat of a blur already. I just know I was really shaky all night.
Last night was youth kickoff, and I think I was trying so hard not to say anything about anything wrong, or act like there was anything wrong (especially around a certain person who I was really tempted to do that to at one point but managed to restrain myself. for better or for worse, i do not know) that it just completely wore me out. And then I came home to hear more problems...and everything just rushed to my mind and tourmented me during the night. It's such a jumble of thoughts that I can't even focus on them one at a time unless i'm actually dealing w/them at the time...thoughts just zoom in and out and i cant fully catch them yet I want to push them away so bad that I'm not sure what i'm doing.
Then...this morning. It's been a long time since I've acted like that...I just wanted to cry for hours and hours until everything would go away. Yet when I could've...tears wouldn't come, mostly because I couldn't decide whether to fight them or not. So i just got to the point where my breathing was all uneven and when I realized that, I made myself calm down (partially because I got annoyed by something else...several something else's....) ...but I don't think I stopped fighting the tears until sometime around second period.
The rest of the day...I honestly don't know how I felt. Matt asked if I was okay, and I wasn't kidding when I said "I'm not sure." It was like...I was numb. I felt so empty and yet i could feel under the surface the terror and the upsetness and the frustration pressing against my mind...and even now, just after talking about one of the issues again and seeing more upset friends...I'm still not sure how I feel, but it's kinda creeping me out that I don't know.
I think all that's really getting me through this is hugs from everyone...people who know about this or not...somehow it just helps. I don't get why, but hugs are very comforting to me. That's probably the only reason I got any sleep last night...I lulled myself to sleep by telling myself i'd get hugged in the morning.
Corey's right...our Karma is screwed.
I'm so sick of this, all of it...but I'm trapped.
U know what? People keep saying "everything'll be okay." Since when does that actually happen? I'm going back and thinking...and there's very few people that were upset a few months ago that aren't still now. So...WHEN WILL EVERTHING BE OKAY???? It just sounds like such a lie...it's not a comfort anymore.
Last night was youth kickoff, and I think I was trying so hard not to say anything about anything wrong, or act like there was anything wrong (especially around a certain person who I was really tempted to do that to at one point but managed to restrain myself. for better or for worse, i do not know) that it just completely wore me out. And then I came home to hear more problems...and everything just rushed to my mind and tourmented me during the night. It's such a jumble of thoughts that I can't even focus on them one at a time unless i'm actually dealing w/them at the time...thoughts just zoom in and out and i cant fully catch them yet I want to push them away so bad that I'm not sure what i'm doing.
Then...this morning. It's been a long time since I've acted like that...I just wanted to cry for hours and hours until everything would go away. Yet when I could've...tears wouldn't come, mostly because I couldn't decide whether to fight them or not. So i just got to the point where my breathing was all uneven and when I realized that, I made myself calm down (partially because I got annoyed by something else...several something else's....) ...but I don't think I stopped fighting the tears until sometime around second period.
The rest of the day...I honestly don't know how I felt. Matt asked if I was okay, and I wasn't kidding when I said "I'm not sure." It was like...I was numb. I felt so empty and yet i could feel under the surface the terror and the upsetness and the frustration pressing against my mind...and even now, just after talking about one of the issues again and seeing more upset friends...I'm still not sure how I feel, but it's kinda creeping me out that I don't know.
I think all that's really getting me through this is hugs from everyone...people who know about this or not...somehow it just helps. I don't get why, but hugs are very comforting to me. That's probably the only reason I got any sleep last night...I lulled myself to sleep by telling myself i'd get hugged in the morning.
Corey's right...our Karma is screwed.
I'm so sick of this, all of it...but I'm trapped.
U know what? People keep saying "everything'll be okay." Since when does that actually happen? I'm going back and thinking...and there's very few people that were upset a few months ago that aren't still now. So...WHEN WILL EVERTHING BE OKAY???? It just sounds like such a lie...it's not a comfort anymore.
