Wednesday, September 10, 2003
STRESS SUCKS! Tada, yes, that's my version of a nutshell, though Corey's is the ultimate nutshell.
I don't even know why I've been feeling majorly stressed lately. I mean, everything that's going on now I really ought to be used to...but I don't think I ever will be. I mean, some of the little parts of things I've gotten used to. Last night in dance we had to listen to Evanescence for like 20-25 minutes, and it really didn't bother me that much...though it rather scared me realizing that some of the lyrics were ones I could relate to. "Tourniquit" didn't play luckily though...that one I'm still touchy about. But anyways, back to what I was saying...Things are hectic but I don't think it's any worse than it has been the last few months, yet I just feel awful. My stomach hurts and my muscles are all tensed up all the time. The only thing that really seems to help is hugs, which is odd, but I guess that's what I thrive off of. Yet lately I've gotten a lot less of those, so maybe that has something to do with it? Dave seems like the only one who really gives me a lot of hugs anymore, or at least comfort-type ones...Not that I don't love the other ones too, but the others don't seem to know as much about how I'm feeling so it's just little happy hugs. Anna and Matt can do the other kinds...but I hardly get to see Anna, and things with Matt are still ackward so we don't hug nearly as much as we used to. I really just need a shoulder to bury my face in, whether to cry or just hide from the world for a minute, I'm not sure, and just the feeling of someone hugging me to know that everything hasn't completely fallen apart.
What really is throwing me off here is my attitude towards things lately. Sometimes I just don't care about anything, especially school stuff. I'll completely blow off studying for something, like I'm actually doing right now, and yet that makes me feel even worse because I'm really picky about my grades. There's two classes that until today I didn't think I'd have an A in, and now there's still one that I'm not sure on. Thank goodness for being able to b.s. my way through short answer questions and essays. And even with other things, I keep looking back and thinking "how on earth could you care that little?" I haven't done it yet, and hope I don't have to, but I've come really close several times lately to blocking someone when they're upset and talking to me. And then I'm ready to kick myself for even considering it, because how can I leave them when they need me? Some people say just go ahead and block people when I need to, but I think if I did that I'd feel even worse. I've also been told to get out of helping some people for good, because it's too much to deal with. It is too much sometimes...but I can't imagine just leaving someone alone when they're clearly that upset, especially if they're not talking to anyone else about things...ugh, even the idea of that makes me feel horrible.
I wish there was a way I could just like pull the stress out of me and beat it up. That'd be so much fun. Somehow I'm picturing me just pulling out a globby thing, like that old gak stuff, from my stomach and squeezing it to death. Anyone feel like joining me? This is driving me insane...I can't sleep (yes, again, I know-gah!) and so I'm exausted all the time, which only adds to the stress because I can't concentrate. In child development yesterday I suddenly realized I'd been staring at the same page for over five minutes without reading it. In creative writing, which should be like the best class ever, I'm only doing the little amount of work it takes to get by, not caring how awful the poems and such are, since he doesn't grade them for how good they are. I haven't started our major project at all, which is going to kill me later I'm sure.
This is long enough...so I'm going to go talk to people before I have to head off to dance...bye.
I don't even know why I've been feeling majorly stressed lately. I mean, everything that's going on now I really ought to be used to...but I don't think I ever will be. I mean, some of the little parts of things I've gotten used to. Last night in dance we had to listen to Evanescence for like 20-25 minutes, and it really didn't bother me that much...though it rather scared me realizing that some of the lyrics were ones I could relate to. "Tourniquit" didn't play luckily though...that one I'm still touchy about. But anyways, back to what I was saying...Things are hectic but I don't think it's any worse than it has been the last few months, yet I just feel awful. My stomach hurts and my muscles are all tensed up all the time. The only thing that really seems to help is hugs, which is odd, but I guess that's what I thrive off of. Yet lately I've gotten a lot less of those, so maybe that has something to do with it? Dave seems like the only one who really gives me a lot of hugs anymore, or at least comfort-type ones...Not that I don't love the other ones too, but the others don't seem to know as much about how I'm feeling so it's just little happy hugs. Anna and Matt can do the other kinds...but I hardly get to see Anna, and things with Matt are still ackward so we don't hug nearly as much as we used to. I really just need a shoulder to bury my face in, whether to cry or just hide from the world for a minute, I'm not sure, and just the feeling of someone hugging me to know that everything hasn't completely fallen apart.
What really is throwing me off here is my attitude towards things lately. Sometimes I just don't care about anything, especially school stuff. I'll completely blow off studying for something, like I'm actually doing right now, and yet that makes me feel even worse because I'm really picky about my grades. There's two classes that until today I didn't think I'd have an A in, and now there's still one that I'm not sure on. Thank goodness for being able to b.s. my way through short answer questions and essays. And even with other things, I keep looking back and thinking "how on earth could you care that little?" I haven't done it yet, and hope I don't have to, but I've come really close several times lately to blocking someone when they're upset and talking to me. And then I'm ready to kick myself for even considering it, because how can I leave them when they need me? Some people say just go ahead and block people when I need to, but I think if I did that I'd feel even worse. I've also been told to get out of helping some people for good, because it's too much to deal with. It is too much sometimes...but I can't imagine just leaving someone alone when they're clearly that upset, especially if they're not talking to anyone else about things...ugh, even the idea of that makes me feel horrible.
I wish there was a way I could just like pull the stress out of me and beat it up. That'd be so much fun. Somehow I'm picturing me just pulling out a globby thing, like that old gak stuff, from my stomach and squeezing it to death. Anyone feel like joining me? This is driving me insane...I can't sleep (yes, again, I know-gah!) and so I'm exausted all the time, which only adds to the stress because I can't concentrate. In child development yesterday I suddenly realized I'd been staring at the same page for over five minutes without reading it. In creative writing, which should be like the best class ever, I'm only doing the little amount of work it takes to get by, not caring how awful the poems and such are, since he doesn't grade them for how good they are. I haven't started our major project at all, which is going to kill me later I'm sure.
This is long enough...so I'm going to go talk to people before I have to head off to dance...bye.
