Jens Blog :-)

Mmm...blog time. Today was...different. I was so tired...and I had a ton of time in classes where I should've slept...but I just couldn't. Last night was horrible. I couldn't sleep...I fought flashbacks and panic attacks and memories for so long...a war between that and the lullaby I'm supposed to imagine that usually lulls me to sleep...after a while of conflict I just got so worn out I couldn't fight them anymore...so I let go, got to see and feel it all again...And then I prayed. It was probably the longest prayer I've had in ages...very repetative, because I was still practically in histerics as I did...and I was just completely freaking out because there was no way for me to tell if it was enough, if I needed to elaborate, if I should be doing something more than that...and i did this thing that's like the equivalant to dry heaves...only it wasn't like throwing up...it was crying...only no tears. And oddly enough, I had a flash to the story I wrote for creative writing...because it talks about how pain is washed away by tears. And through gasps of breath I prayed again...and I asked God to let me be able to cry...I've never been that desperate to cry in my whole life...and then tears started flowing down my face...only for a few seconds...but somehow I felt relief. Not so much that the tears helped...but I felt like God was really listening...

So today I was shaky sometimes...not all of the time, there were times when I was fine, at least physically...being around Corey really helps that a lot...but in child development I tried to crochet and we watched a movie that had a children's psychologist in it...and I kinda freaked again just from that small reference...and so my hands shook so much I could hardly crochet.

I'm tired yet I'm awake...

Oh, and I've determined that me becoming a psychologist is the equivilant to a person who faints at the sight of blood becoming a surgeon.