Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Ok! More blog-ish-ness:
After I got back on Sunday, I think I jinxed the end of the day. I’d gotten “Perfect Day” stuck in my head, because that’s what that whole day had felt like...”It’s a perfect day, and nothing can go wrong.” Famous last words? Yeah. I wasn’t going to write about this in here, but since Anna’s blog already talked about it, I don’t see the point in trying to hide it. Basically, a few of us saw a friend’s away message and freaked out because it was a suicide threat, likely by OD...and due to recent and not-quite-so-recent events, several of my friends and I tend to take those very seriously. Of course, there are still those who don’t, who’d rather try to laugh off the situation. I understand that in some ways...some people just deal with things differently. That’s not what bothers me about it. It’s the fact that on that particular night, one person (who knew about the suicide threat, so it wasn’t like they were oblivious to what they did) kept bringing up some really horrible events in a laughing, light-hearted way...and after I asked them to stop, they didn’t. *shudders* So as a result of that, plus the obvious incident I was trying to deal with at that moment, I got very very pissed off. I’ve never come that close to blocking a friend before. Anyway, we had Anna call the person who’d made the threat...but they had a bad phone connection or something...and then the person put on another away message, this time sounding like they were mad that someone had called to see if they were ok. Then, my parents made me go to bed early, BEFORE I FOUND OUT IF THE PERSON WAS OK, though in all honesty, they had no idea what had happened because I certaintly wasn’t about to tell them...so I was completely freaked...Nice night of flashbacks! Joy. I finally lulled myself to sleep with Corey’s image in my mind...Whenever I’m upset or can’t sleep, he tells me to picture him singing me a lullaby...and that always makes me smile. Then, the next day (yesterday), I found out nothing ever happened. Just a threat, no action. So that was relief...and yet not...because I was mad that someone would make such a threat and scare us like that...and then hearing one of my other friend’s parent’s reactions just completely shocked me...Even adults can joke about things like that?!?!
Not really anything else I feel like blogging about from yesterday...well, we got out early from band, which was fun because it meant I got more time with Corey ^^...so I’ll skip to today...
After school today I got to ride home with Corey (on the bus he made up a new kind of poke! a frap-three fingers in a triangle) and stay at his house for a while...We were supposed to stay downstairs where his family was, but they ended up letting us go for a walk around Lake Pine...So we walked there and just hung out at one of the picnic tables really near the trail to his neighborhood instead of walking around lol...and we got random people to give us weird looks, haha...So that was much fun ^^. Lol I think we’ve spent most of our time together lately playing the poke game...except we have to lose instead of winning...and we’ve even got sad puppy-dog faces for when the other person tries to lose...hehe. It’s so...comfortable. I don’t know how to explain it, but there’s just something about it, that while it’s not exactly “meaningful conversation” or something, and we do the same things over and over again, it never gets tiring or boring or anything like that, it’s still something fun and flirty and sweet...Yeah...I know it sounds odd...like I said, I can’t describe it right...just trust me, it’s great :-) Anyway, after the lake, we went back to his house for a while, and played with Sploot until we got told to go downstairs lol...and then we watched TV for a while and poked eachother some more...and snuck kisses while no one was watching O:-) hehe. So it was a fun afternoon :-). The one really bad part was saying goodbye...because we won’t get to see eachother until at least Sunday, most likely Monday...And considering how incredibly much I miss him already, I know that’s going to be hard, especially since we’ll have very limited communication during the rest of break, especially when I’m in Georgia. After I got home, I had to run upstairs and “compose myself” which rather surprised me...I’m definitly not used to missing someone so much that it makes me feel that shaken at leaving them for less than a week...but I guess it just goes to show how much I love him.
I was thinking earlier about the expression “falling head over heels in love.” Couldn’t it kind of be the opposite? Like, you’re head over heels already...and everything’s confusing and crazy and depressing...and you fall right-side-up in love? That’s really what it feels like...I’ve never felt this good in my entire life. For the last nearly a year, I didn’t even want to be around myself because I was always sad about something, and it made me into a much more quiet, reserved person at times...though I tried very hard not to let myself act like it. So, in turn, a lot of my words and actions became forced, and my personality was very false a lot of the time. But now...I dunno...the pieces just sliped back into place I guess...because I feel so much better...my confidence level is so much higher now it’s incredible...I think my dance teacher is a little surprised by my sudden ability to smile and talk during class lol...though I think she thinks it’s because of Megan, which is certaintly part of it, but there’s more than that...I even feel physically healthier...Last school year I think the only reason I didn’t gain a lot of weight was because I kept losing it from stress...but this year, I think my metabolism is actually higher, giving me more energy and generally just feeling a LOT better-I’ve even only been sick once this year! I know a lot of this is just because I got away from some of the really stressful things in my life...but I also think having Corey is playing a big role in it...Even when bad things do happen, I don’t feel nearly as horrible as I used to, because somehow with him there, it doesn’t seem nearly as tortureous. I’ll admit, I do still have occasional moments where I’ll feel some of the depression kick in...An awful one yesterday even, though that was probably brought on from the stress of the night before...but they aren’t as frequent and I can subdue them much faster...and most of the time, more fully, instead of just burrying feelings inside. I just feel...much more ALIVE lol...that’s the best way I can think of to describe it...Alive and wonderful and in love :-) I love you Corey and I miss you insanely already! *waits for Monday* <3 <3 :-D
After I got back on Sunday, I think I jinxed the end of the day. I’d gotten “Perfect Day” stuck in my head, because that’s what that whole day had felt like...”It’s a perfect day, and nothing can go wrong.” Famous last words? Yeah. I wasn’t going to write about this in here, but since Anna’s blog already talked about it, I don’t see the point in trying to hide it. Basically, a few of us saw a friend’s away message and freaked out because it was a suicide threat, likely by OD...and due to recent and not-quite-so-recent events, several of my friends and I tend to take those very seriously. Of course, there are still those who don’t, who’d rather try to laugh off the situation. I understand that in some ways...some people just deal with things differently. That’s not what bothers me about it. It’s the fact that on that particular night, one person (who knew about the suicide threat, so it wasn’t like they were oblivious to what they did) kept bringing up some really horrible events in a laughing, light-hearted way...and after I asked them to stop, they didn’t. *shudders* So as a result of that, plus the obvious incident I was trying to deal with at that moment, I got very very pissed off. I’ve never come that close to blocking a friend before. Anyway, we had Anna call the person who’d made the threat...but they had a bad phone connection or something...and then the person put on another away message, this time sounding like they were mad that someone had called to see if they were ok. Then, my parents made me go to bed early, BEFORE I FOUND OUT IF THE PERSON WAS OK, though in all honesty, they had no idea what had happened because I certaintly wasn’t about to tell them...so I was completely freaked...Nice night of flashbacks! Joy. I finally lulled myself to sleep with Corey’s image in my mind...Whenever I’m upset or can’t sleep, he tells me to picture him singing me a lullaby...and that always makes me smile. Then, the next day (yesterday), I found out nothing ever happened. Just a threat, no action. So that was relief...and yet not...because I was mad that someone would make such a threat and scare us like that...and then hearing one of my other friend’s parent’s reactions just completely shocked me...Even adults can joke about things like that?!?!
Not really anything else I feel like blogging about from yesterday...well, we got out early from band, which was fun because it meant I got more time with Corey ^^...so I’ll skip to today...
After school today I got to ride home with Corey (on the bus he made up a new kind of poke! a frap-three fingers in a triangle) and stay at his house for a while...We were supposed to stay downstairs where his family was, but they ended up letting us go for a walk around Lake Pine...So we walked there and just hung out at one of the picnic tables really near the trail to his neighborhood instead of walking around lol...and we got random people to give us weird looks, haha...So that was much fun ^^. Lol I think we’ve spent most of our time together lately playing the poke game...except we have to lose instead of winning...and we’ve even got sad puppy-dog faces for when the other person tries to lose...hehe. It’s so...comfortable. I don’t know how to explain it, but there’s just something about it, that while it’s not exactly “meaningful conversation” or something, and we do the same things over and over again, it never gets tiring or boring or anything like that, it’s still something fun and flirty and sweet...Yeah...I know it sounds odd...like I said, I can’t describe it right...just trust me, it’s great :-) Anyway, after the lake, we went back to his house for a while, and played with Sploot until we got told to go downstairs lol...and then we watched TV for a while and poked eachother some more...and snuck kisses while no one was watching O:-) hehe. So it was a fun afternoon :-). The one really bad part was saying goodbye...because we won’t get to see eachother until at least Sunday, most likely Monday...And considering how incredibly much I miss him already, I know that’s going to be hard, especially since we’ll have very limited communication during the rest of break, especially when I’m in Georgia. After I got home, I had to run upstairs and “compose myself” which rather surprised me...I’m definitly not used to missing someone so much that it makes me feel that shaken at leaving them for less than a week...but I guess it just goes to show how much I love him.
I was thinking earlier about the expression “falling head over heels in love.” Couldn’t it kind of be the opposite? Like, you’re head over heels already...and everything’s confusing and crazy and depressing...and you fall right-side-up in love? That’s really what it feels like...I’ve never felt this good in my entire life. For the last nearly a year, I didn’t even want to be around myself because I was always sad about something, and it made me into a much more quiet, reserved person at times...though I tried very hard not to let myself act like it. So, in turn, a lot of my words and actions became forced, and my personality was very false a lot of the time. But now...I dunno...the pieces just sliped back into place I guess...because I feel so much better...my confidence level is so much higher now it’s incredible...I think my dance teacher is a little surprised by my sudden ability to smile and talk during class lol...though I think she thinks it’s because of Megan, which is certaintly part of it, but there’s more than that...I even feel physically healthier...Last school year I think the only reason I didn’t gain a lot of weight was because I kept losing it from stress...but this year, I think my metabolism is actually higher, giving me more energy and generally just feeling a LOT better-I’ve even only been sick once this year! I know a lot of this is just because I got away from some of the really stressful things in my life...but I also think having Corey is playing a big role in it...Even when bad things do happen, I don’t feel nearly as horrible as I used to, because somehow with him there, it doesn’t seem nearly as tortureous. I’ll admit, I do still have occasional moments where I’ll feel some of the depression kick in...An awful one yesterday even, though that was probably brought on from the stress of the night before...but they aren’t as frequent and I can subdue them much faster...and most of the time, more fully, instead of just burrying feelings inside. I just feel...much more ALIVE lol...that’s the best way I can think of to describe it...Alive and wonderful and in love :-) I love you Corey and I miss you insanely already! *waits for Monday* <3 <3 :-D
