Jens Blog :-)

I still don't have time to update...but it doesn't really matter because I probably don't remember half of what's happened since my last update anyway. I'm in a bad mood....so I decided to blog to rant for a while even though I don't really know if I want to rant openly...I've been ranting to Corey and Anna anyway...I'm crazily-over-emotional lately; it's insane...I swear the smallest things make me just want to cry...I've felt like crying all day today and I don't really have good reasons for it...My stomach hurts because I think the medicines I've been on are bothering it, so I've felt rather sick for a while now, but it got a lot worse today, though I've felt sick for the last week or so, especially in the car...and I don't get car sick, at least not that easily, not just sitting there for like 2 minutes...ugh. so i'm not feeling so great...and ive still had crazy headaches, so I switched back from the presciption stuff to advil for a few days, a higher dosage b/c the doctor said it was ok, but since it's making me more sick, i guess i'd better switch back...i cant concentrate anymore and its driving me crazy...I don't have a clue what we're doing in math right now, which means i'm going to fail the quiz tomorrow unless Scotty or someone can explain it to me at lunch, but the lack of caring I have about my grades is surprising too...i've given up in science, i dont care what happens as long as i do decent enough on the final to have an A, which should be fine since I had a good average 1st quarter. My padeia project is going to suck, and I have to present it tomorrow...the powerpoint's cool, but the itenerary isn't at all up to my standars, but everytime I try to fix something, it just makes my head spin even worse...it's like, I want to care, but most of me is just like "screw it." And oh great now my left hand is starting to hurt again as I type this...It'd better not go to the right one again, I refuse to let it be hurt during exams. I'm worried about people again...its nothing like last year in the type of problems or anything, but i'm really worried...I'm also rather annoyed w/my parents b/c of the beach situation...I decided to stop pretending that it's some big treat for me to go to the beach every year...i've been putting on a happy face there since like 7th grade. I hate it. If i could have some company, I'd be fine, but I'm sick of how they call it a "nice family vacation" and yet its NOT family-related except that we all travel in the same car (where we sleep anyway) and stay in the same condo (also primarily for sleep). during the day, my brother hangs out w/a bunch of his friends and my parents sit and read and talk on the beach. i either listen to the plots of zelda games as told by an 11 year old (massive details, he'll take hours to get through describing one game) or sleep/stay in bed so they think i'm asleep long enough so they'll go down to the beach and I can get on the computer. They got my hopes up w/the idea of them going while I'm at ASP this year, and plans changed. So basically, it's ASP for a week, the week after Corey goes to scout camp, then I'm at the beach for a week, then he's at marching band for two weeks...Guess who doesn't want to go a month without seeing her boyfriend? *raises hand* And I wouldn't even get to talk to him until hes in mb camp (b/c he's probably going to be gone the week I'm at the beach unless he has an excuse not to go to his relative's), and that's all day long and he'd be exausted by the time he's home...So I'm trying to convince my parents to let him come with us to the beach. Heh-heh not working well. *sulks* I don't care how "immature" it's going to look, they're going to have to sit there and watch me hate the trip this year if I'm alone all the time again. I have nothing against the beach itself, and I think I'd have a lot of fun if Corey was there...I just don't like being alone that much. it sucks. and my parents want me to have fun, yet...yeah. *growls* And I still feel like crying...what is WITH this crazy emotional-ness? I just want to go burry my head in a pillow and cry...and I feel pathetic but it's true...I hurt physically and emotionally and I'm worried about things and I feel like I can't do anything lately...And then there's the whole kidney-falling-apart thing that everyone's been noticing...I know I haven't been to many gatherings lately, but that doesn't mean I want the group to collapse...even at lunch, its just crazy to see how much we've changed...you know, aside from an occasional hug from Dave before school if I happen to see him, I only get hugs from Corey now? Not that that's a bad thing to be hugged by him of course, it's just...everyone used to hug. Everytime I saw any Kidney stone, I was pretty much guarenteed a hug...and it's just weird now. And it's my bedtime.