Jens Blog :-)

Pilgrimage was this weekend...if you don't know anything about it, it's a giant youth ralley in Fayetville. There were over 6,200 people there this year. We sang a lot and listened to a cool Native American speaker from Alaska who taught us a lot about his culture but related it all back to Christianity. He spoke a lot about his brother, who was badly abused as a child, and how he has extremely strong faith. It was really interesting even though sometimes it was sad. So that made the weekend interesting. It was a hard weekend for me because I did a lot of thinking and a lot of crying but I think I would've dont just as much at home and then I would've missed out on the experiance and this is probably the last year I can go unless I go as a leader in a few years, which I think would be fun. I'd like to be a youth leader someday. The only part that was really bad about the weekend was feeling left out...again...I knew it would be weird but it's depressing and degrading to sit crying for like an hour next to some of your best friends and know that none of them will even look at you. It's like that a lot lately though, with pretty much everyone. People don't talk to me as much as they used to or at least don't make any effort to include me in conversations...I know I can't be in every conversation around me, but it's frustrating to hang out with people for an extended period of time and have them dance around the same subjects, speaking of things in code so that I purposely can't understand them. I try to smile and pretend I don't care but it's pretty rare for people to really make me want to smile lately. I force my way into hanging out with people or talking to them and a lot of times I think they wish I'd leave. Hannah P. is becoming a better friend though, even though I haven't known her well for long, and honestly I think she cares about how I'm feeling more than most of my friends that I've known for years. She makes me laugh until I cry happy tears and that's a nice feeling. Before I sound like I'm completely dissing most of my friends though I have to say Rachel and Steven made an effort on Pilgrimage...They're dating and I hate being the third wheel, but they 'took care of me' more than anyone this weekend and I appreciated it.
Something tells me I'm going to get a lot of "get over yourself" type comments on this...so I'm going to kind of put a disclaimer thing...Yes a lot of this is about Corey-I'm still not even close to being okay with us breaking up. But this is about me too and a lot of the things I wrote about have been going on for months and are totally unrelated. So if you want to yell at me and tell me to get over myself, it's probably not worth your time and effort to type the comment because I'm going to do my hardest not to listen...and for whoever the "grammar police" was last time, I thought that was kind of insensitive...the quote especially. I don't really care if someone corrects my spelling or whatever but at the time I really wasn't concentrating on spelling. I'm not now either for that matter. I like comments but not ones that pretty much say "yup your life is over. oops."
Dinner time.