Friday, September 26, 2003
Hi again...I just got back from the mall with Corey :-) That was much fun, even though we mostly just walked around aimlessly...but I got to spend time with him, and that made it wonderful. That was the first time we'd ever walked around with our arms around eachother...and that's a great feeling. Very sweet and secure feeling :-) I love you Corey! Haha, we saw this doll at the front of KB Toys that was very freaky looking...it was one of those that's made to look like it crawls realistically...but it did this freakish blinking eye movement thing...but it gave me a good excuse to act afraid and snuggle up to Corey ;-) :-D
Tonight was definitly just what I needed. Tomorrow Corey'll be gone at competition and I have to go find some jeans...no idea what's going on at night though...but then Sunday is really going to suck, so I was thrilled to have such a great night to escape from things.
Today was a little weird...I can definitly feel the stress I'm under, and it's affecting me a lot. I was shaking a lot today...especially in band...which made me screw up the scale tests even worse, but as bad as I played I doubt it made much of a difference...and my stomach's just been hurting whenever I get a moment to myself, because I keep thinking about things when I don't have a distraction. I've had a tough time sleeping too, but Corey said to imagine him singing me a lullaby whenever I couldn't sleep...and that actually worked last night. I just concentrated on that image and eventually it slipped into a dream...and so I slept, or for then anyway. I still tossed and turned some, but the worst part is usually the initial falling asleep.
I really hate stress like this-well, of all kinds really-but I'm hoping Sunday will help a lot...Though at the moment it seems like "sweet and sour" is an extremely optimistic way of looking at it...because it's going to be hard to deal with it, and although eventually I think it'll be for the best...It's going to hurt a lot for a while.
Also...I'm not really sure why, but I've felt really seperated from a lot of people lately...not exactly "ignored" but not quite..."accepted." That's still not quite the right word...I'm not sure how to explain it though...distanced? Maybe...But Corey and Anna and I are still doing fine...and it's not like I'm having a problem with a specific person or persons...I just've been feeling a little left out of things. I mean, here's a totally not-big-deal incident but it's the only one I can think of, so if Katie or Rachel reads this I don't want them to think I'm mad or annoyed at them or anything. We were leaving Creative Writing today and Rache and Katie got a little ahead of me, and it's not uncommon for one of us to get a little behind while leaving the trailer. We usually just wait for each other at the bottom of the ramp. And today...well, they went ahead without me. It wasn't a big deal, but it did feel kinda strange...though I heard them say a few min later as I was catching up "Hey where's Jen?" and then they saw me...and Katie gave me a hug for leaving me behind...and all was good. It just seems like...especially at lunch...I dunno...I can't explain it right...it's almost just like my comments aren't really taken seriously anymore. I have to repeat things like five times for anyone to react sometimes, and a lot of times I'll be in mid sentence and someone else will start talking and everyone turns to them instead...and I just shush and no one notices. I dunno...I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing though...because it's not a big deal, in all honesty...I think I'm just being over emotional and sensitive to things because of other things...I've just generally been over emotional lately. The little things can piss me off or make me worry. *makes face*
Too tired to try to blog anymore...I'm probably going to go to bed soon. G'night.
Tonight was definitly just what I needed. Tomorrow Corey'll be gone at competition and I have to go find some jeans...no idea what's going on at night though...but then Sunday is really going to suck, so I was thrilled to have such a great night to escape from things.
Today was a little weird...I can definitly feel the stress I'm under, and it's affecting me a lot. I was shaking a lot today...especially in band...which made me screw up the scale tests even worse, but as bad as I played I doubt it made much of a difference...and my stomach's just been hurting whenever I get a moment to myself, because I keep thinking about things when I don't have a distraction. I've had a tough time sleeping too, but Corey said to imagine him singing me a lullaby whenever I couldn't sleep...and that actually worked last night. I just concentrated on that image and eventually it slipped into a dream...and so I slept, or for then anyway. I still tossed and turned some, but the worst part is usually the initial falling asleep.
I really hate stress like this-well, of all kinds really-but I'm hoping Sunday will help a lot...Though at the moment it seems like "sweet and sour" is an extremely optimistic way of looking at it...because it's going to be hard to deal with it, and although eventually I think it'll be for the best...It's going to hurt a lot for a while.
Also...I'm not really sure why, but I've felt really seperated from a lot of people lately...not exactly "ignored" but not quite..."accepted." That's still not quite the right word...I'm not sure how to explain it though...distanced? Maybe...But Corey and Anna and I are still doing fine...and it's not like I'm having a problem with a specific person or persons...I just've been feeling a little left out of things. I mean, here's a totally not-big-deal incident but it's the only one I can think of, so if Katie or Rachel reads this I don't want them to think I'm mad or annoyed at them or anything. We were leaving Creative Writing today and Rache and Katie got a little ahead of me, and it's not uncommon for one of us to get a little behind while leaving the trailer. We usually just wait for each other at the bottom of the ramp. And today...well, they went ahead without me. It wasn't a big deal, but it did feel kinda strange...though I heard them say a few min later as I was catching up "Hey where's Jen?" and then they saw me...and Katie gave me a hug for leaving me behind...and all was good. It just seems like...especially at lunch...I dunno...I can't explain it right...it's almost just like my comments aren't really taken seriously anymore. I have to repeat things like five times for anyone to react sometimes, and a lot of times I'll be in mid sentence and someone else will start talking and everyone turns to them instead...and I just shush and no one notices. I dunno...I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing though...because it's not a big deal, in all honesty...I think I'm just being over emotional and sensitive to things because of other things...I've just generally been over emotional lately. The little things can piss me off or make me worry. *makes face*
Too tired to try to blog anymore...I'm probably going to go to bed soon. G'night.
