Wednesday, December 10, 2003
I don't know what's happened lately...It seemed like everyone was decently happy, and all of the sudden, now a lot of people aren't. Yesterday was rather crazy...so many people were upset at once! I don't know why...some of the people I don't even know...but I've heard a lot of comments about how yesterday just seemed to be a bad day for a lot of people (Erik decided something was weird with the planets or something like that), though extents of upset-ness varried greatly. In most cases I don't even know the reason...but it got me thinking again...about how I gave up psychology. I feel really ackward NOT helping people, or at least trying to...It's just my natural instinct to jump in, find out what's wrong, and try to fix it. Especially after remembering a friend and myself going through something very similar to what someone else was thinking yesterday...I felt ackward because I wasn't sure how to react...do I explain what worked for me, or do they have to go through it to make it work for them? Anyway, point being...I thought that maybe I'd made a mistake...even though it hurt a lot when I was involved in psychology...would it be for the best overall? No matter how much that contradicted what I said last night, it was what I started thinking when I went to bed...I decided a while back, when I ruled out psychology, that I was going to teach English, and somehow I still don't think that's a great "life goal" or whatever for me. I like it ok, but I'm only mediocre in English anyway...how can I teach it when the kids will probably have a better vocabulary than I do? Anyway, so I was laying in bed last night, worrying about some people, and just thinking about things...didn't sleep much...hence why I was a little off today. I didn't want to show it...I really didn't for once...especially since all the upset people from yesterday were either ok or pretending to be, the last thing I wanted to do was make them feel worse...So I sort of covered my thoughts with hyperness. After a while, that was actually ok. Acting ok and having everyone else around me being happy generally cheers me up anyway. So for the first half of the day or so, I was feeling much better than last night.
And then creative writing came around...time to fight tears. We watched a movie in there about a psychiatrist who works in a mental hospital (well the main plot is about him dealing with an alien who he thinks is just a regular person who thinks he's an alien, but that's not the point here). I like the movie...but...the mental hospital scared me. A lot. I don't know why exactly...but I just freaked...memories of the worst psychology-related times of the last year just kept flooding back into my mind...I didn't know what was wrong with me...At one point I just thanked God for getting me out of the psychology field...because I know I couldn't handle that type of work. Ever. I mean, yeah, I still want to be there for friends when they need me...but not like before. Especially towards the end of last year and this summer...it was just too much...even though the main event I kept thinking about happened during this school year. I feel really horrible, even now, thinking that I can't give that kind of help when I should...even if I'm asked...because that time I was. I just can't stop feeling guilty about that, even though things worked out ok...I guess...If you can call it ok...better than the alternative anyway. And then I keep feeling more guilty for other things...for not sometimes not wanting to help...and, after seeing that hospital, for being grateful I didn't go visit someone I knew who was in one. It sounds so horrible...and it's true and I hate it.
I guess I had some trouble keeping "the mask" on after that...or maybe I just hug differently when I'm freaked...'cause Dave asked if I was ok when I hugged him after creative writing...which I do everyday, so it's not like that was out of the ordinary or something...I told him I was ok, but when he asked if I was sure I know my face gave me away. I said "I'm sortof ok." For some reason, it was really hard to say that...I dunno...but my eyes teared up again...Luckily I was saved by Melissa H. calling my name to walk the rest of the way to band together, at which time I forced "the mask" back on.
I've just been in a not-so-great mood after that...not so much thinking about things...but I feel like I'm overreacting to things...In band, I tried to ask Mr. Rowe a question about the music because our score was wrong, and he wouldn't listen...but he never does, so I should've expected that and asked him again later, I know...but inside I was getting really agrivated at him, especially when I kept trying to ask annother question where the score was wrong yet again, and he'd see my hand just before we'd start the song, and so we'd play and then he'd forget...I'd put it back up and he wouldn't see it...and apparently didn't hear me call his name either...until Melissa H. told him I had a question. Looking back on that, that's pretty typical in band class...afterall, we've got like 85 people in that class; it's understandable...but I guess everything just bothered me this afternoon...oh well. I got cheered up by a random note from Ruth, though ^^ and writing all this out is helping too. I feel much calmer now. *takes deep breath* So no worries. Just had to let all that out.
And then creative writing came around...time to fight tears. We watched a movie in there about a psychiatrist who works in a mental hospital (well the main plot is about him dealing with an alien who he thinks is just a regular person who thinks he's an alien, but that's not the point here). I like the movie...but...the mental hospital scared me. A lot. I don't know why exactly...but I just freaked...memories of the worst psychology-related times of the last year just kept flooding back into my mind...I didn't know what was wrong with me...At one point I just thanked God for getting me out of the psychology field...because I know I couldn't handle that type of work. Ever. I mean, yeah, I still want to be there for friends when they need me...but not like before. Especially towards the end of last year and this summer...it was just too much...even though the main event I kept thinking about happened during this school year. I feel really horrible, even now, thinking that I can't give that kind of help when I should...even if I'm asked...because that time I was. I just can't stop feeling guilty about that, even though things worked out ok...I guess...If you can call it ok...better than the alternative anyway. And then I keep feeling more guilty for other things...for not sometimes not wanting to help...and, after seeing that hospital, for being grateful I didn't go visit someone I knew who was in one. It sounds so horrible...and it's true and I hate it.
I guess I had some trouble keeping "the mask" on after that...or maybe I just hug differently when I'm freaked...'cause Dave asked if I was ok when I hugged him after creative writing...which I do everyday, so it's not like that was out of the ordinary or something...I told him I was ok, but when he asked if I was sure I know my face gave me away. I said "I'm sortof ok." For some reason, it was really hard to say that...I dunno...but my eyes teared up again...Luckily I was saved by Melissa H. calling my name to walk the rest of the way to band together, at which time I forced "the mask" back on.
I've just been in a not-so-great mood after that...not so much thinking about things...but I feel like I'm overreacting to things...In band, I tried to ask Mr. Rowe a question about the music because our score was wrong, and he wouldn't listen...but he never does, so I should've expected that and asked him again later, I know...but inside I was getting really agrivated at him, especially when I kept trying to ask annother question where the score was wrong yet again, and he'd see my hand just before we'd start the song, and so we'd play and then he'd forget...I'd put it back up and he wouldn't see it...and apparently didn't hear me call his name either...until Melissa H. told him I had a question. Looking back on that, that's pretty typical in band class...afterall, we've got like 85 people in that class; it's understandable...but I guess everything just bothered me this afternoon...oh well. I got cheered up by a random note from Ruth, though ^^ and writing all this out is helping too. I feel much calmer now. *takes deep breath* So no worries. Just had to let all that out.
