Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Blah...Word of the day. Since when is blogging so obsessive and compelling that you spend time in class and everywhere else thinking about how you want to say things and what you want to say in the next blog entry you plan to write? Of course, I've forgotten most of my phrasing and everything else of the times from when this entry's been running through my head all day today...I don't even know if I want to blog, really, but I know if I don't I'll get the blog "craving" yet again...so...here goes:
Yesterday...Woke up, called Anna and giggled insanely for a while-until I realized I had to leave in like 15 minutes to pick her up...A relatively small group of us went to see Cheaper by the Dozen...good movie, though absolutely nothing like the book. Then I came home...did MORE homework, I swear I spent almost the entire long weekend doing homework, which rather sucked, but I wanted to get ahead for this week a little since I know it's going to be busy...Corey came home and I got to talk to him, which was wonderful...despite circumstances not being the best ever...but still wonderful as always. I missed him so much while he was gone, it was incredible...Anyway...Last night...I don't know what happened...It wasn't until I was in bed...and I just snapped. I don't really even know why...It's been a nice long while since I've had a breakdown, and it wasn't like there was something that set it off last night...All of the sudden all of my confidence just dropped...about everything...I've always been one of those people that looks for a purpose...and I don't like not having any idea what mine's supposed to be now. That's one of few good things I'll say about my time in psychology; at least I felt like I could do something. Now...I can't do anything. I feel pathetic. There is nothing I can do with my life-career especially-that I both enjoy and am good at. I can't write well enough to do something in that field, I wouldn't make a good English teacher because my vocabulary sucks and I'm doing awful on papers and things now, and I refuse to be one of those teachers who doesn't truely understand their subject, because those kinds of teachers always agrivate me. As for teaching math...yeah, I like math as far as a school subject goes...aside from this year...but basing my career on it? I dunno...I just can't imagine getting up every morning to go do math all day long. And with the way my grade in Algebra II is falling, it'd go back to the stuff about teachers not really knowing what they're doing in their subject. I want to do something I enjoy...but I can't think of anything I like to do that could be done as a career! Really, I can hardly think of anything I like to do at all...especially that I'm decent at. I'm really frustrated with school in general right now...School is seriously the only thing I consider myself good at...and now I'm doing worse and worse at that...I did bad on several math quizes, one of which I would've failed if our teacher hadn't decided to make one question a bonus one because so many people missed it...and I just looked over our review packet of things that I seriously should know by now, things I got right on quizes and understand, but I'm getting a bunch of wrong answers...I think I'm so worried about it that I'm causing myself to do worse than ever...My padeia grade is probably falling too since I haven't done so great on two of the three grades we've had so far this quarter...I don't know about science yet since we haven't gotten much back, but we just started a unit on things I've been taught for several years and still have yet to fully understand or absorb...
I feel awful about saying all this stuff...It's so stupid, nothing compared to what other people have to deal with, and I know that...I've seen a good bit of the bad stuff before, and this is nothing compared to any of that...It shouldn't be a big deal, but for some reason it is to me...
Today...urm yeah, continuation of last night throughout much of the day...worse since it was a school day and I got those math quizes back and everything...Lunch was horrible...I'm not even sure why, entirely...I was just in such a bad mood all day, from thoughts and from not getting much sleep...Lunch this semester isn't so great anyway...despite the fact that more of my friends are in it than last semester...somehow that makes us lose the closeness or something...I dunno...Maybe it's just that I'm always checking my homework at lunch or studying for a quiz...but even when we're out in the courtyard, I feel out of place...it sucks. Anyway, today at lunch...I don't even remember what was said, but something bothered me enough that I was like "today is not a day to mess with Jen," which I hoped would get the point across...most of them know me well enough to know what will bug me...yet they got into a suicide discussion...Which I finally asked them to stop, and they did...I even got a hug from Jill at one point...
i have dance soon and now i'm being much cheered up by anna and marc and people...hahaha...and I must eat dinner...so i'll write more later maybe. bye!
Yesterday...Woke up, called Anna and giggled insanely for a while-until I realized I had to leave in like 15 minutes to pick her up...A relatively small group of us went to see Cheaper by the Dozen...good movie, though absolutely nothing like the book. Then I came home...did MORE homework, I swear I spent almost the entire long weekend doing homework, which rather sucked, but I wanted to get ahead for this week a little since I know it's going to be busy...Corey came home and I got to talk to him, which was wonderful...despite circumstances not being the best ever...but still wonderful as always. I missed him so much while he was gone, it was incredible...Anyway...Last night...I don't know what happened...It wasn't until I was in bed...and I just snapped. I don't really even know why...It's been a nice long while since I've had a breakdown, and it wasn't like there was something that set it off last night...All of the sudden all of my confidence just dropped...about everything...I've always been one of those people that looks for a purpose...and I don't like not having any idea what mine's supposed to be now. That's one of few good things I'll say about my time in psychology; at least I felt like I could do something. Now...I can't do anything. I feel pathetic. There is nothing I can do with my life-career especially-that I both enjoy and am good at. I can't write well enough to do something in that field, I wouldn't make a good English teacher because my vocabulary sucks and I'm doing awful on papers and things now, and I refuse to be one of those teachers who doesn't truely understand their subject, because those kinds of teachers always agrivate me. As for teaching math...yeah, I like math as far as a school subject goes...aside from this year...but basing my career on it? I dunno...I just can't imagine getting up every morning to go do math all day long. And with the way my grade in Algebra II is falling, it'd go back to the stuff about teachers not really knowing what they're doing in their subject. I want to do something I enjoy...but I can't think of anything I like to do that could be done as a career! Really, I can hardly think of anything I like to do at all...especially that I'm decent at. I'm really frustrated with school in general right now...School is seriously the only thing I consider myself good at...and now I'm doing worse and worse at that...I did bad on several math quizes, one of which I would've failed if our teacher hadn't decided to make one question a bonus one because so many people missed it...and I just looked over our review packet of things that I seriously should know by now, things I got right on quizes and understand, but I'm getting a bunch of wrong answers...I think I'm so worried about it that I'm causing myself to do worse than ever...My padeia grade is probably falling too since I haven't done so great on two of the three grades we've had so far this quarter...I don't know about science yet since we haven't gotten much back, but we just started a unit on things I've been taught for several years and still have yet to fully understand or absorb...
I feel awful about saying all this stuff...It's so stupid, nothing compared to what other people have to deal with, and I know that...I've seen a good bit of the bad stuff before, and this is nothing compared to any of that...It shouldn't be a big deal, but for some reason it is to me...
Today...urm yeah, continuation of last night throughout much of the day...worse since it was a school day and I got those math quizes back and everything...Lunch was horrible...I'm not even sure why, entirely...I was just in such a bad mood all day, from thoughts and from not getting much sleep...Lunch this semester isn't so great anyway...despite the fact that more of my friends are in it than last semester...somehow that makes us lose the closeness or something...I dunno...Maybe it's just that I'm always checking my homework at lunch or studying for a quiz...but even when we're out in the courtyard, I feel out of place...it sucks. Anyway, today at lunch...I don't even remember what was said, but something bothered me enough that I was like "today is not a day to mess with Jen," which I hoped would get the point across...most of them know me well enough to know what will bug me...yet they got into a suicide discussion...Which I finally asked them to stop, and they did...I even got a hug from Jill at one point...
i have dance soon and now i'm being much cheered up by anna and marc and people...hahaha...and I must eat dinner...so i'll write more later maybe. bye!
