Wednesday, April 14, 2004
No one is talking online and I can't just sit here...I'm really tired of feeling sad already...I guess I've gotten really used to being happy, not that that's a bad thing of course. Anyway, so I'm going to blog at least until someone starts talking...
Ok well now I just got an invite to a chat. Go figure. Maybe I'll do this anyway. Yeah. Basically...yesterday was awful...everyone was so sad and that made me sad...and really scared. I can't get these thoughts out of my head...I feel awful for the families and friends of all three...but I hardly knew the two that died...and Katy is physically going to be okay; she came home today and is hopefully coming back to school Friday...but...I can't help but be glad that none of my close friends were in that car...at first I thought that was selfish, but I bet everyone of you would agree with me that you'd rather it be someone you didn't know than one of your close friends, though it'd be better if it just didn't happen at all...I'm so scared that something will happen to my friends...I'm having a really hard time dealing with this situation...if something happens to one of you guys...I really don't know what I'd do. I cried so much last night...I'd forgotten what it's like to cry that hard...I finally fell asleep and slept for almost three hours...and woke up and cried some more, until about 3 AM...these images kept playing through my mind...and as rediculous as this sounds, some of the hardest to see were people's profiles...a lot of us put some sort of rememberance of the accident in our profile, from "R.I.P" to song lyrics to poems to bible verses to prayer requests to simply "remember." They're all beautiful and meaningful and sweet...but they just make me cry harder...It makes me think...would they really want to be remembered this way? In a way that just makes people cry...I wouldn't want everyone to be sad and scared if I died; I'd want them to enjoy the life they have left...but I think it'll take a while for any of us to get to that point...I can't decide if being told to always know I'm loved no matter what is making me feel better or worse...Better because it's normal to have that kind of reaction after someone is killed...or worse because it's realistic to think ahead "just in case." I'm already a little paranoid about my friends being hurt or worse...so...expect an extremely paranoid Jen for a while. Today was another sad day at school...and I didn't let myself cry but I came awfully close to it a couple of times...and then I came home and definitly lost it pretty soon...conversations and profiles...I don't know why I don't want my family to know I'm upset exactly...but I don't...Anna and I are trying to talk to make us feel better but we're both in tears now...So much has happened the last few days...The accident killed two people and hurt a third, along with changing the lives of many people...Besides the people that knew the three or the ones that are reacting to the concept of death, there were other people involved...Taylor thinks she saw the bodies being put into the ambulance...Dave's brother pulled Katy from the car...Unrelated but still horrible, Marc's dog and grandfather both died...Mitchel's house caught fire...Now Katy's being charged...this is all so awful! A lot of people at school seem really upset or shaken...I overheard someone talking about another accident that happened yesterday at the same place as the one the day before...I don't think anyone was hurt, but I guess the girl saw it...which scared her plenty, I'm sure. Ugh.
Not that any of this is anywhere near as bad as anything mentioned above, but I'm still going to keep up with my regular blogging too...Routine is best, eh? Ok...well...I'm very mad at myself in math at the moment because I did really bad on a test that I thought I'd done very well on, and did even worse on a quiz...so my math grade dropped eight points in one day. Yuck. Hmm what else...my legs are dead randomly which I'm deciding is either from crying so much or from a lack of protein or iron or something...Like, it's hard to just stand still because they don't want to support my weight. And I got dizzy again today, which I haven't in about a month...so I get to go back to the doctor tomorrow because they want to do another iron test, drawing more blood since the last time was just a finger prick...and they're going to change some medicine a little maybe...blah. Happier stuff: going to Hatteras this weekend for a church trip, along with Corey and Melissa and at least two other people...yeah not too many signed up lol, but we'll have fun, and that probably means we'll all get to stick together, which I definitly like! That's about it for tonight...bye!
Ok well now I just got an invite to a chat. Go figure. Maybe I'll do this anyway. Yeah. Basically...yesterday was awful...everyone was so sad and that made me sad...and really scared. I can't get these thoughts out of my head...I feel awful for the families and friends of all three...but I hardly knew the two that died...and Katy is physically going to be okay; she came home today and is hopefully coming back to school Friday...but...I can't help but be glad that none of my close friends were in that car...at first I thought that was selfish, but I bet everyone of you would agree with me that you'd rather it be someone you didn't know than one of your close friends, though it'd be better if it just didn't happen at all...I'm so scared that something will happen to my friends...I'm having a really hard time dealing with this situation...if something happens to one of you guys...I really don't know what I'd do. I cried so much last night...I'd forgotten what it's like to cry that hard...I finally fell asleep and slept for almost three hours...and woke up and cried some more, until about 3 AM...these images kept playing through my mind...and as rediculous as this sounds, some of the hardest to see were people's profiles...a lot of us put some sort of rememberance of the accident in our profile, from "R.I.P" to song lyrics to poems to bible verses to prayer requests to simply "remember." They're all beautiful and meaningful and sweet...but they just make me cry harder...It makes me think...would they really want to be remembered this way? In a way that just makes people cry...I wouldn't want everyone to be sad and scared if I died; I'd want them to enjoy the life they have left...but I think it'll take a while for any of us to get to that point...I can't decide if being told to always know I'm loved no matter what is making me feel better or worse...Better because it's normal to have that kind of reaction after someone is killed...or worse because it's realistic to think ahead "just in case." I'm already a little paranoid about my friends being hurt or worse...so...expect an extremely paranoid Jen for a while. Today was another sad day at school...and I didn't let myself cry but I came awfully close to it a couple of times...and then I came home and definitly lost it pretty soon...conversations and profiles...I don't know why I don't want my family to know I'm upset exactly...but I don't...Anna and I are trying to talk to make us feel better but we're both in tears now...So much has happened the last few days...The accident killed two people and hurt a third, along with changing the lives of many people...Besides the people that knew the three or the ones that are reacting to the concept of death, there were other people involved...Taylor thinks she saw the bodies being put into the ambulance...Dave's brother pulled Katy from the car...Unrelated but still horrible, Marc's dog and grandfather both died...Mitchel's house caught fire...Now Katy's being charged...this is all so awful! A lot of people at school seem really upset or shaken...I overheard someone talking about another accident that happened yesterday at the same place as the one the day before...I don't think anyone was hurt, but I guess the girl saw it...which scared her plenty, I'm sure. Ugh.
Not that any of this is anywhere near as bad as anything mentioned above, but I'm still going to keep up with my regular blogging too...Routine is best, eh? Ok...well...I'm very mad at myself in math at the moment because I did really bad on a test that I thought I'd done very well on, and did even worse on a quiz...so my math grade dropped eight points in one day. Yuck. Hmm what else...my legs are dead randomly which I'm deciding is either from crying so much or from a lack of protein or iron or something...Like, it's hard to just stand still because they don't want to support my weight. And I got dizzy again today, which I haven't in about a month...so I get to go back to the doctor tomorrow because they want to do another iron test, drawing more blood since the last time was just a finger prick...and they're going to change some medicine a little maybe...blah. Happier stuff: going to Hatteras this weekend for a church trip, along with Corey and Melissa and at least two other people...yeah not too many signed up lol, but we'll have fun, and that probably means we'll all get to stick together, which I definitly like! That's about it for tonight...bye!
