Sunday, October 30, 2005
I wrote this yesterday and it's so pathetic that i'm going to edit like half of it out before i post it...so pretend this was posted friday:
Tonight was the last home game of the year. I had a really good time actually, which rather surprised me. I didn't pay much attention to the game, but I hung out with Rachel, watched and took a lot of pictures during the marching show and senior awards, which again made me kinda sad but it wasn't unbearable or anything. I took a lot of pictures, though I think there's something wrong with my camera because it kept randomly turning off and saying it had a low battery, even though it was full when I left home and I only had it on during half time but it started dying after I'd had it on for like 3 minutes. I took pictures during the senior band award thingies too, though I missed a few people's because of the camera being dumb. I hope they turned out okay. During 3rd quarter I went to hang out with the band crowd and the rest of the Kidney that came over there, and it was nice to see them, especially those I haven't seen in a while. Then I found Starett and Mike, who totally made my night. I don't even know either of them all that well, but they're both so sweet and random and funny and I just love hanging out with them. Starett has a beard now, which greatly amused me, and Mike went around speaking with a Russian accent, but otherwise they're both the same as always. So that was fun. To keep warm, and just because it was fun, we were all dancing around. The band started playing Hey Baby, so of course we jumped around and did some swing dancing and stuff, and I was like "Wow I feel like we're in Greece!" and Katie was like "...Opa!" which absolutely made me crack up because I definitly meant the movie and she thought I meant the country.
Afterwards wasn't as much fun as I thought it'd be...I was really worried about staying for the senior band party thing because I only wanted to stay to have more time with Corey, but I'm not in marching band anymore and so while I knew other people were bringing girlfriends and boyfriends, all that I knew of are in marching band, so I was really worried about people getting mad at me for being there. I already think a lot of people don't like me for dropping out, and it makes me extremely self concious around the band. I tried to get Corey to decide for me whether it was okay to go or not...I think I just wanted him to be like "Oh, who cares what they all think, you should come because I miss you and and I love you and I want to spend time with you." One of those fantasy things I guess. But he just said I had to choose. So in a way I think that made me more upset...like I've said before, I get more jealous of band than anything else in our relationship, and that was definitly one of those jealous moments, not to mention making me even more self concious. Finally, Melissa said that we could all just go out after the senior thing, though she ended up not going afterall, so I decided to just go hang out in a corner and not get in the middle of the party, but to stay so that I could ride with Corey to go out afterwards. I was excited because I'd get to go out with Corey and I guess I looked too excited for him to tell me he was too tired, but he obviously was, so now I feel really really bad because I didn't know that they have to be at school at like 7AM tomorrow for Cary Band Day and we were out til about midnight. So ugh. And the waiter was an ex-cary marching band guy so he wouldn't stop talking about it (I swear he spent all but like 3 min of our time there with us), and after being around it for the evening, I'd had enough for a night, but I just put on my happy face and tried to be involved with the conversation anyway, but it kinda sucked. Corey hardly talked at all because he was half asleep so it was a pointless night out that just cut out his sleep time so I feel guilty for asking him to go out.
On another note...Sunday is trunk-or-treat, so that'll be fun...and I'm going to dress up as a clarinet. Taylor and I talked about doing that a few years ago, and I'd forgotten, but Melissa said something about it yesterday in English, so I decided that would be really cool. I'm making it out of a black dress with silver fabric and cord stuff to be the keys, and a witches hat to be the mouthpiece, with a construction paper reed and a fabric ligature. I figure I'll either look like a really cool clarinet, or a really weird witch...especially since the only witches hats I could find had hair in them, so mine has purple hair. I think I might cut it though because it doesn't exactly fit the costume hehe.
I really should go to bed...but I really don't think I can sleep...I've been having some problems with that...so I'll type some more and maybe make myself tired.
School stuff I guess...
English: It's not English. It's European history. And that bugs me becaues I hate history and I love English. There's a reason I didn't sign up for AP Euro: I don't want to take it lol. We had the midterm today and like half of it was history questions like "Who suceeded Henry VII?" and such. We never even read anything about King Henry. We learned about him, but it wasn't related to any literature or anything, and while I know it's my fault for not learning it, because she did tell us it would be on there but I didn't study hard enough, I just think it's dumb that we're questioned on history stuff that isn't related to the literature we've been reading. We're starting Macbeth though, which is good because at least I know it'll be interesting.
Creative Writing: It's just a waste of time more than anything now. No one cares much about what they write, me included. Mr. Koechling came in today to ask us what was wrong with the class, and I think Cameron figured out exactly what it is that makes it so different from the way he taught it: In our class now, the point is to turn out pieces of writing, no matter how good or bad really, just to get it done. In Koechling's version, the point was to learn about ourselves-like a personal philosophy class-and we learned through our writing, and because of our new ways of thinking, our writing improved. I talked to him about the class being too structured and how she likes to make us frustrated just so we'll write about our frustration.
AP Physics: Still hard...we just finished our Fluids and Thermodynamics unit, which was really difficult to me because it's Chemistry based and I haven't had Chemistry. I think the multiple choice section of the test went decently well, but I totally died on the short answer, which made me mad at myself, because it was on Fluids, which I understand a lot better than Thermodynamics, but I missed an essential point of understanding about the graph we were given and got really confused because of it. The midterm was today. It was made up of the harder of the honors questions, so it wasn't really too hard, but it was really long, and I didn't have time to go back and do the questions I skipped. She's counting it as a straight percentage instead of the SAT style grading of the regular tests, so I just wrote down A for all of them really quick at the end. I think there were like 4 of them, out of 50 total. So not great, but not a total dissaster either.
Band: We've been playing a lot of songs we've played in previous years just for the heck of it, and it's pretty fun. I still mess up a lot and I'm not sure why. I know I can play better than this. Maybe it's just a confidence issue, because I think whenever I miss a note or something it makes me a lot more likely to mess something else up, especially in a solo. Like this one song-all the clarinets play the same part close to the beginning, and I can play it fine there. Later, I have the exact same part as a solo and I always screw it up or don't make the notes even or something. It's annoying even to me, so I'm sure it's bothering other people too, Mr. Rowe included.
I still just feel like I want to cry...I feel rediculous...I haven't spent this much time crying or trying not to cry in years...the end of marching season better make me feel better soon...I hate being miserable and I think I've been like this since band camp. I mean, there are times when I'm happy and fine and everything, but there are too many when I'm not. I don't want to go back to freshman/early sophomore year feelings. The past 2ish years have been too good to go back. Tonight at the game was awesome just because people were laughing and talking and I guess it reminded me of before the Kidney fell apart and I lost touch with everyone...it just felt simpler tonight in general...It's hard to explain...I didn't feel like I had to act happy, which is how I've felt a lot of times lately when other people have been happy. Lately I feel like I've just been an annoyance to everyone...I'm not sure if I'm imagining it or not...but I feel like I'm making Corey feel obligated to hang out with me, and that my being upset all the time is just an agrivating thing for him to deal with...he says it's not but I can't help feeling like it. I'm scared to death of losing him. Everything's fine if we're hanging out alone at my house or something, but once we get in even a small group I just want to shrink away. Admittedly that's usually around band people so maybe that's a main reason, just from feeling left out or something I guess. I feel like I'm an extra, annoying, stupid, unwanted wheel with all of my friends in pretty much all of my classes and at lunch...maybe that's what it was that I liked about tonight...no one was trying to have a private conversation that I wasn't allowed to hear, no one wanted to single anyone out, and we talked about general topics that everyone could relate to instead of leaving anyone out. We were just a group, hanging out casually, and I truely felt comfortable and enjoyed myself around someone other than Corey for the first time in what feels like a long time.
Ok now onto current stuff:
I went to Cary Band Day, where Apex totally rocked and the crowd absolutely loved them. Seriously, all these non-Apex people around me were commenting on how good Apex is and how cool the show was and they got a huge standing ovation. Awards ceremony kinda sucked because apparently the judges didn't agree with the crowd, though they did get the 1st place parade award thing so that was cool and Mandy got 2nd best drum major in the class. I overheard a bunch of the Cary marching band people on the way back afterwards going "What about Apex?!" and talking about how great the Apex show was and how awards didn't make sense. So there it's not just non-marching people that think you rule! So band people, be happy, because you're awesome, and I still think Mr. Rowe should have to split the giant chocolate bar with you!
Tonight was the last home game of the year. I had a really good time actually, which rather surprised me. I didn't pay much attention to the game, but I hung out with Rachel, watched and took a lot of pictures during the marching show and senior awards, which again made me kinda sad but it wasn't unbearable or anything. I took a lot of pictures, though I think there's something wrong with my camera because it kept randomly turning off and saying it had a low battery, even though it was full when I left home and I only had it on during half time but it started dying after I'd had it on for like 3 minutes. I took pictures during the senior band award thingies too, though I missed a few people's because of the camera being dumb. I hope they turned out okay. During 3rd quarter I went to hang out with the band crowd and the rest of the Kidney that came over there, and it was nice to see them, especially those I haven't seen in a while. Then I found Starett and Mike, who totally made my night. I don't even know either of them all that well, but they're both so sweet and random and funny and I just love hanging out with them. Starett has a beard now, which greatly amused me, and Mike went around speaking with a Russian accent, but otherwise they're both the same as always. So that was fun. To keep warm, and just because it was fun, we were all dancing around. The band started playing Hey Baby, so of course we jumped around and did some swing dancing and stuff, and I was like "Wow I feel like we're in Greece!" and Katie was like "...Opa!" which absolutely made me crack up because I definitly meant the movie and she thought I meant the country.
Afterwards wasn't as much fun as I thought it'd be...I was really worried about staying for the senior band party thing because I only wanted to stay to have more time with Corey, but I'm not in marching band anymore and so while I knew other people were bringing girlfriends and boyfriends, all that I knew of are in marching band, so I was really worried about people getting mad at me for being there. I already think a lot of people don't like me for dropping out, and it makes me extremely self concious around the band. I tried to get Corey to decide for me whether it was okay to go or not...I think I just wanted him to be like "Oh, who cares what they all think, you should come because I miss you and and I love you and I want to spend time with you." One of those fantasy things I guess. But he just said I had to choose. So in a way I think that made me more upset...like I've said before, I get more jealous of band than anything else in our relationship, and that was definitly one of those jealous moments, not to mention making me even more self concious. Finally, Melissa said that we could all just go out after the senior thing, though she ended up not going afterall, so I decided to just go hang out in a corner and not get in the middle of the party, but to stay so that I could ride with Corey to go out afterwards. I was excited because I'd get to go out with Corey and I guess I looked too excited for him to tell me he was too tired, but he obviously was, so now I feel really really bad because I didn't know that they have to be at school at like 7AM tomorrow for Cary Band Day and we were out til about midnight. So ugh. And the waiter was an ex-cary marching band guy so he wouldn't stop talking about it (I swear he spent all but like 3 min of our time there with us), and after being around it for the evening, I'd had enough for a night, but I just put on my happy face and tried to be involved with the conversation anyway, but it kinda sucked. Corey hardly talked at all because he was half asleep so it was a pointless night out that just cut out his sleep time so I feel guilty for asking him to go out.
On another note...Sunday is trunk-or-treat, so that'll be fun...and I'm going to dress up as a clarinet. Taylor and I talked about doing that a few years ago, and I'd forgotten, but Melissa said something about it yesterday in English, so I decided that would be really cool. I'm making it out of a black dress with silver fabric and cord stuff to be the keys, and a witches hat to be the mouthpiece, with a construction paper reed and a fabric ligature. I figure I'll either look like a really cool clarinet, or a really weird witch...especially since the only witches hats I could find had hair in them, so mine has purple hair. I think I might cut it though because it doesn't exactly fit the costume hehe.
I really should go to bed...but I really don't think I can sleep...I've been having some problems with that...so I'll type some more and maybe make myself tired.
School stuff I guess...
English: It's not English. It's European history. And that bugs me becaues I hate history and I love English. There's a reason I didn't sign up for AP Euro: I don't want to take it lol. We had the midterm today and like half of it was history questions like "Who suceeded Henry VII?" and such. We never even read anything about King Henry. We learned about him, but it wasn't related to any literature or anything, and while I know it's my fault for not learning it, because she did tell us it would be on there but I didn't study hard enough, I just think it's dumb that we're questioned on history stuff that isn't related to the literature we've been reading. We're starting Macbeth though, which is good because at least I know it'll be interesting.
Creative Writing: It's just a waste of time more than anything now. No one cares much about what they write, me included. Mr. Koechling came in today to ask us what was wrong with the class, and I think Cameron figured out exactly what it is that makes it so different from the way he taught it: In our class now, the point is to turn out pieces of writing, no matter how good or bad really, just to get it done. In Koechling's version, the point was to learn about ourselves-like a personal philosophy class-and we learned through our writing, and because of our new ways of thinking, our writing improved. I talked to him about the class being too structured and how she likes to make us frustrated just so we'll write about our frustration.
AP Physics: Still hard...we just finished our Fluids and Thermodynamics unit, which was really difficult to me because it's Chemistry based and I haven't had Chemistry. I think the multiple choice section of the test went decently well, but I totally died on the short answer, which made me mad at myself, because it was on Fluids, which I understand a lot better than Thermodynamics, but I missed an essential point of understanding about the graph we were given and got really confused because of it. The midterm was today. It was made up of the harder of the honors questions, so it wasn't really too hard, but it was really long, and I didn't have time to go back and do the questions I skipped. She's counting it as a straight percentage instead of the SAT style grading of the regular tests, so I just wrote down A for all of them really quick at the end. I think there were like 4 of them, out of 50 total. So not great, but not a total dissaster either.
Band: We've been playing a lot of songs we've played in previous years just for the heck of it, and it's pretty fun. I still mess up a lot and I'm not sure why. I know I can play better than this. Maybe it's just a confidence issue, because I think whenever I miss a note or something it makes me a lot more likely to mess something else up, especially in a solo. Like this one song-all the clarinets play the same part close to the beginning, and I can play it fine there. Later, I have the exact same part as a solo and I always screw it up or don't make the notes even or something. It's annoying even to me, so I'm sure it's bothering other people too, Mr. Rowe included.
I still just feel like I want to cry...I feel rediculous...I haven't spent this much time crying or trying not to cry in years...the end of marching season better make me feel better soon...I hate being miserable and I think I've been like this since band camp. I mean, there are times when I'm happy and fine and everything, but there are too many when I'm not. I don't want to go back to freshman/early sophomore year feelings. The past 2ish years have been too good to go back. Tonight at the game was awesome just because people were laughing and talking and I guess it reminded me of before the Kidney fell apart and I lost touch with everyone...it just felt simpler tonight in general...It's hard to explain...I didn't feel like I had to act happy, which is how I've felt a lot of times lately when other people have been happy. Lately I feel like I've just been an annoyance to everyone...I'm not sure if I'm imagining it or not...but I feel like I'm making Corey feel obligated to hang out with me, and that my being upset all the time is just an agrivating thing for him to deal with...he says it's not but I can't help feeling like it. I'm scared to death of losing him. Everything's fine if we're hanging out alone at my house or something, but once we get in even a small group I just want to shrink away. Admittedly that's usually around band people so maybe that's a main reason, just from feeling left out or something I guess. I feel like I'm an extra, annoying, stupid, unwanted wheel with all of my friends in pretty much all of my classes and at lunch...maybe that's what it was that I liked about tonight...no one was trying to have a private conversation that I wasn't allowed to hear, no one wanted to single anyone out, and we talked about general topics that everyone could relate to instead of leaving anyone out. We were just a group, hanging out casually, and I truely felt comfortable and enjoyed myself around someone other than Corey for the first time in what feels like a long time.
Ok now onto current stuff:
I went to Cary Band Day, where Apex totally rocked and the crowd absolutely loved them. Seriously, all these non-Apex people around me were commenting on how good Apex is and how cool the show was and they got a huge standing ovation. Awards ceremony kinda sucked because apparently the judges didn't agree with the crowd, though they did get the 1st place parade award thing so that was cool and Mandy got 2nd best drum major in the class. I overheard a bunch of the Cary marching band people on the way back afterwards going "What about Apex?!" and talking about how great the Apex show was and how awards didn't make sense. So there it's not just non-marching people that think you rule! So band people, be happy, because you're awesome, and I still think Mr. Rowe should have to split the giant chocolate bar with you!
