Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Sometimes I wish I could believe this...other times I'm glad I can't.
A winter’s day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
~Simon and Garfunkel
I guess I've been musically expressive lately...if there's such a term...meaning i'm relating everything to songs...here's the other main one, err part of it...
Won’t you look down upon me, jesus
You’ve got to help me make a stand
You’ve just got to see me through another day
My body’s aching and my time is at hand
And I won’t make it any other way
~James Taylor
I'm trying to believe that...I'm trying to rely on God...and yet I feel selfish for even asking such things...but I know this is driving me crazy. Strangers make me smile more lately than my "friends" do. I miss the way things used to be...I miss everyone hanging out together, or at least making the offer...I miss talking to people outside of school...not that we do a whole lot in school either...You know, sometimes I think "well maybe I'm just not making enough of an effort" but I think I'm afraid to make an effort because if it doesn't go through I'm going to feel even worse. I miss not feeling like every time I talk people look at me like "why is she wasting my time?" I miss not feeling like I have to bug people over and over just to get them to hang out with me. I miss not feeling like every conversation is either me rambling or me not talking at all. That's not a conversation; it's a monolouge. I'm sick of people being insensitive. Thank goodness for Dave and Matt...at least I can always steal hugs from them when it's all too much. I'm trying the mask thing and sometimes I can hide behind it and almost believe it, but most of the time, once everyone else is gone, it's gone.
So this entry is one of those lower dips on the roller coaster ride. Not everything today was bad...really nothing specifically bad even happened. I'm just...bleh. I think the best part of my day was helping someone with Geometry homework.
You know...I think most of all I miss the fact that I used to get hugs all the time without having to go up to people and specifically ask them for one.
I feel kinda stupid and pathetic even posting this but I guess I will.
Gnight.
A winter’s day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
~Simon and Garfunkel
I guess I've been musically expressive lately...if there's such a term...meaning i'm relating everything to songs...here's the other main one, err part of it...
Won’t you look down upon me, jesus
You’ve got to help me make a stand
You’ve just got to see me through another day
My body’s aching and my time is at hand
And I won’t make it any other way
~James Taylor
I'm trying to believe that...I'm trying to rely on God...and yet I feel selfish for even asking such things...but I know this is driving me crazy. Strangers make me smile more lately than my "friends" do. I miss the way things used to be...I miss everyone hanging out together, or at least making the offer...I miss talking to people outside of school...not that we do a whole lot in school either...You know, sometimes I think "well maybe I'm just not making enough of an effort" but I think I'm afraid to make an effort because if it doesn't go through I'm going to feel even worse. I miss not feeling like every time I talk people look at me like "why is she wasting my time?" I miss not feeling like I have to bug people over and over just to get them to hang out with me. I miss not feeling like every conversation is either me rambling or me not talking at all. That's not a conversation; it's a monolouge. I'm sick of people being insensitive. Thank goodness for Dave and Matt...at least I can always steal hugs from them when it's all too much. I'm trying the mask thing and sometimes I can hide behind it and almost believe it, but most of the time, once everyone else is gone, it's gone.
So this entry is one of those lower dips on the roller coaster ride. Not everything today was bad...really nothing specifically bad even happened. I'm just...bleh. I think the best part of my day was helping someone with Geometry homework.
You know...I think most of all I miss the fact that I used to get hugs all the time without having to go up to people and specifically ask them for one.
I feel kinda stupid and pathetic even posting this but I guess I will.
Gnight.
